If you have even a passing interest in the auto industry, you already know there’s a perpetual battle going on to see who can make the most powerful and hardest-working truck. In particular, the three major players in full-size trucks are the Ford F-150, the Ram 1500, and the Chevy Silverado 1500. Each year, these three models vie for offering the most horsepower and torque, towing the most weight, and delivering the most impressive interior features and options. This year is no different.
Chevy has started teasing details about the 2024 model year and the kinds of features you’ll find in their newest Silverado 1500 for sale. Although most of the details aren’t yet available, my contacts within Chevrolet have leaked some information to me, and you’ll be the first to read about it.
I’ve got exciting, exclusive news to relay: three all-new trims are coming this year for the Silverado, intended to make it the new industry leader for full-size trucks.
ZZRR22: The All-New Off-Road Monster
Now you might think, “Wow, the Silverado already has so many off-road models with the two Trail Boss trims and the ZR2; it definitely doesn’t need anymore.” Well, that kind of thinking is why you’re just some little schmuck reading about the auto industry instead of the BIG schmuck running the Chevrolet leviathan. Later this year, Chevy will introduce an all-new off-road option called the Silverado ZZRR22. It does everything the ZR2 can but TWICE as great!
That’s right—you get eight-wheel drive, two layers of skid plates on the undercarriage (and another layer of skid plates on the roof), and double the Bilstein shocks! You get 36-inch wheels wrapped in massive Slop-Hog VeryGoodYear Wrumbler tires designed to let you drive up 89.9-degree vertical inclines.
This truck can go absolutely anywhere, and it’s all powered by a 6.9L V16 engine that delivers 1,420 hp and 9,999 lb-ft of torque. Suck it, Ram 1500 TRX! Eat shit, F-150 Raptor R!
God Emperor: Next-Next Level Luxury
For years now, the High Country has been the pinnacle of luxury and sophistication in the Silverado 1500. Just as GMC introduced a Denali Ultimate that goes even further than its prestigious Denali trim, so too has Chevy one-upped itself: for the 2024 Silverado 1500, you can enjoy the all-new God Emperor trim that far surpasses ANYTHING the High Country has to offer. Check it!
Where the High Country has a 13.4-inch infotainment touchscreen and a 12.3-inch Driver Information Center screen, the God Emperor has a 14.4-inch touchscreen and a 13.3-inch driver display—that’s one inch better on both!
Do you like the ten-way power heated and ventilated front seats in the High Country? Well, they’re trash, and so are you because the God Emperor has 11-way power front seats, with even-more heated and ventilated seating—so much ventilation you’ll fall right through them! They’re just holes! 11-way power-adjustable HOLES designed to make you question your own sanity and wonder what SIN you committed to deserve such accommodations!
Shmord Shmeff-One-Shmifty: The New Truck King
For more than 40 years, the Ford F-150 has been the bestselling truck in America, but Chevy is ready to bring that absurd reign to an end. The 2024 Chevy Silverado will offer an all-new Shmord Shmeff-One-Shmifty trim, exclusively available in a limited run of 1,500 vehicles.
What makes this model so special? It’s a Ford F-150. That’s it—Chevy’s not even putting their own badging on it or anything; they’re just selling the F-150 with an infantile name change. I guess if you can’t beat ’em, just sell ’em too.
Unfortunately, my contacts within Chevy weren’t able to provide me with information about when these trims will be available or the starting prices on them. So if you’re interested in the ZZRR22 or the God Emperor trim, your best bet is to continually visit your local Chevy dealer, day after day, and ask if they have them yet.
Trust me—there’s nothing a car dealership likes more than people who take up their time asking questions without intending to buy anything. (It’s an insider secret that retailers won’t tell you.)
So what’re you waiting for? Head to your local dealership and tell ’em Ol’ Rutherfjord sent ya to see the Shmord Shmeff-One-Shmifty!
Editor’s Note: We made it about halfway through editing this piece when we heard an ice cream truck outside, and our editing staff quickly fled the building in search of frosty confections. It turns out that it was just someone watching George Roy Hill’s 1977 film “The Sting” in the break room with their smartphone turned up inconsiderately loud. Following this disappointment, we were unable to continue doing any work and just called it a day at about 10:25 AM. The next day, Kris brought in those ice cream cups with the crappy wooden paddles for spoons, but it just wasn’t the same. Kris sucks dog ass. His ice cream is frozen garbage water, and he needs to know it.
