There’s no denying that Chevy is a legend in the auto industry. They’ve been around for more than 100 years, blazing a trail for every other manufacturer to try to follow, and this fiery past has paved the way for a bright, red-hot future. With the Chevy Bolt EV, they started their way toward a shift to an all-electric lineup down the road, with incendiary performance and sales that lit a match under the rest of the industry.
Now, Chevy has taken the next logical step and announced the details on several new EV models: an all-electric version of the Silverado, an electric take on the Equinox, and a third model in the form of the Blazer EV. Although details on this new model are quite scarce, I reached out to a few contacts I have in the auto industry to get the inside scoop. Fortunately for you, I’m going to share what I discovered in order to set your interest aflame with this tantalizing information that’s sure to spark your curiosity.
Why a Chevy Blazer EV?
My first question, upon seeing the announcement of these new models, was pretty simple: why a Blazer EV from Chevy? The Equinox makes sense––it’s a dull as dishwater offering that somehow manages to keep selling every year, so anything to make it remotely exciting seems like a good idea. But the Blazer is actually a decent SUV in its own right, so why make the effort to release an EV model? Fortunately, a contact of mine inside GM had the answer:
“We were sitting around one day trying to do just enough coke to help us get over our hangovers from the morning, without doing enough to get attention and have someone give us actual work to do. Naturally, we were pretty sweaty as we’d just finished running laps around our department when we overheard a conversation. Apparently, the words ‘Chevy,’ ‘EV,’ and ‘blaze’ have all been in the news a lot lately. We weren’t sure why that was, but it made sense to jump on that [expletive deleted] and release a Blazer EV to capitalize on the free press!”
Burning the Competition
Although not the first all-electric SUV to come to market, there’s no denying that the Blazer EV is poised to set the industry on fire. According to my sources inside GM, the current goal is for it to have a range of more than 300 miles on a full charge, or more than that if you’re not “overly concerned with immolation.” When I pressed for additional information, I was told that the Blazer EV would have a special setting that takes full advantage of everything GM’s engineers have learned with the development of their other models, particularly the Bolt EV.
When activated, this “Blaze Mode” (that’s an internal name currently and might not be the final production name for it) greatly boosts battery efficiency. The only downside to using Blaze Mode is that it also sets the battery on fire. According to my source, however, “Our customers have shown they’re willing to accept a small amount of catastrophic loss and devastation so long as we’re able to provide good EV range.”
No One Is Safe
With the announcement of the Chevy Blazer EV, the future of the auto industry is clearer and more alarming than ever. Chevy has set its sights on the competition, and they’re ready to release a firestorm of award-winning and house-destroying models upon the industry. Finishing up my talk with my friend at GM, I asked if there was any concern about recent issues with an unnamed EV in the headlines. His response was simple, “At this point, we’re just leaning into it. Lighting a house on fire is a feature, not a bug, and you can quote me on that. You, uh, you won’t, though, right? This is off the re––hey, the hookers are here! Gotta go, Ruthy!”
Editor’s Note: Although the author of this piece was unwilling to provide us with the name of his contact within GM, we’ve followed our own leads and found everything printed here has been supported by official statements from GM’s leadership. After all, you wouldn’t release an EV model called the “Blazer” after your vehicles had notoriously begun lighting themselves on fire if you weren’t proud of it, right? Thank you.