Dearborn, MI – The Ford Motor Company has long been an institution of innovation and one that’s not afraid to think outside the box when it comes to producing various products to aid consumers in a time of uncertainty. With gas prices continuing to rise and a world that’s still adapting to life after the pandemic, a major step was taken to help cut costs and benefit the earth while making it easier on the strained incomes of the average consumer. Ever since the capitol building was stormed by an army of incels and basement-dwelling sociopaths, former supporters of the Trump presidency have been scrambling to once again assume their normal place in the world as crypto-fascists and trying to hide their racism and blind stupidity from the rest of the population. As a result, thousands upon thousands of red MAGA hats have been making their way to several landfills and trash containers.
The sudden influx of waste has posed a threat to many landfills and trash incinerators, with a workload that’s almost triple what the busiest days in the sanitation industry sees. “It’s too much,” says Julia Moskowitz, chairperson of the Lee County Sanitation Dept in Canton, Ohio. “So many people are trying to distance themselves from the old regime that we’re knee-deep in a sea of red hats and empty cans of Bud Light.” The problem has been the same all over, with no viable solution in sight. That is, until last Tuesday evening. Ford CEO Jim Farley held a press conference to address the problem and announced that a proper use for the hats in question was found. “Time is tough for the average consumer. We want to make things easier for the many expenses that accompany owning an automobile. The pressure on the landfills of the world to dispose of so many MAGA hats has led us to a solution that will satisfy the needs of everyone involved.” Farley then went into the details of how the MAGA hats will now be repurposed as an inexpensive compound to build at least five years worth of tires sold to consumers at a mere fraction of the cost. For consumers wondering “Are there affordable tires near me?” this will provide a welcome relief to their wallet.
“By taking the hats and combining them with a synthetic rubber derivative, our research and development team have found a way to make tires that are cheap to make, cheap to sell, and will be just as reliable and efficient as any other tire that will be competing with it on the market today.” Farley’s statement came as a surprise to a nation still trying to return to a state of sanity following four years of the tiny-handed orange menace whose predilection for making problems worse was without equal.
It’s certainly a bold move on Ford’s part and one that coincides with the industry-wide initiative to be more mindful of the problems it’s caused for the environment in years prior. One fan of the recent announcement from Ford is none other than President Joe Biden. The President has gone on record saying how pleasantly surprised he is at Ford seizing the moment to make the change that so many people wish to see in the world.
There’s even talk about legislation being passed that would make anyone purchasing these new tires eligible for a tax break when they file for the upcoming year. We spoke with political analyst Michael Bloom, who explained how such a program would work. “I think it would be the same deal as the tax credit that gets issued for consumers who buy an EV…while the credit wouldn’t be nearly as much, it would serve as motivation for people to buy these new tires.”
