Tires Deemed Useless

A stack of tires is shown in front of a tire swing with the text 'tires deemed useless' over a cancel sign after local tire stores in Cincinnati rush to get rid of stock.

I write this to you sitting on a stack of fourteen tires. I’ve stocked up, and you should too. Seriously, now is the time. Tire stores are doing everything they can to get rid of inventory as all brands convert to tireless models. You, like myself, may have idiotically thought that tires were an important component of a vehicle. But apparently, we were all wrong.

Tires Deemed Unimportant

This may seem like a radical leap for the automotive industry, but it turns out this technique has been employed for over a century! A Chevrolet executive recently uncovered a lost interview with acclaimed racecar driver and the company’s namesake Louis Chevrolet; when asked about the secret to his technique, his response was: “It’s simple. I take off the tires.” And sure enough, if you look at the old photographs of Chevrolet himself on the track, there are no tires to be found. In response to this, the Chevrolet brand has decided to discontinue tires forever. In response to this, all other brands have decided to discontinue tires forever. And in response to this, all tire companies have decided to cease production forever. Nonsense, you say? Well, science begs to differ.

Why Tires?

It turns out that tires are completely unnecessary. Deep scientific investigation will reveal that rubber tires decrease a wheel’s capability by upwards of 2,000 rpm. So why were tires ever placed on a wheel? Well, open up any high school history textbook, and you will surely find ample material on the Great Rubber Surplus of 1896. Yes, in 1896, the United States was producing so much rubber that it needed somewhere to place the excess. What the textbooks fail to mention, however, is that 1896 was, of course, the same year that Henry Ford built his first vehicle: the Quadricycle. In response to this overwhelming excess, Ford reportedly reached out to RWU (Rubber Workers Union) and asked that he have each of his vehicle’s wheels wrapped in rubber. Why? Because it looked cool, he thought.

Well, Ford’s technique was so effective that his efforts alone caused the Great Rubber Surplus to cease by 1898. The problem was, however, that Ford’s rubber-coated wheels were not only a hit with the RWU, but also with automotive enthusiasts. Wheels were no longer enough; Ford had crafted a new age of rubber-covered wheels. And so the tire was born.

Now, over 100 years later, we finally learn that this was all part of one man’s noble effort to rid a nation of its excess rubber; and all it took was one comment from a racecar driver and automotive legend.

The Implications

So, now we are reverting to a tireless world. This is great news for those of you who have been fighting for the automotive industry to reduce its rubber consumption. You’ve finally gotten your wish. But it turns out that this is great news for everyone because there are now billions of unused tires sitting around in factories, warehouses, and showroom floors. So now is the time to stock up. Some people in my neighborhood have been going the boring route and have been hanging tire swings from every branch they can find. I prefer to get more creative.

I’ve done away with my mattress, and my sheets now rest atop a dynamic collection of some of the finest tires on the market. As I stated at the beginning of this piece, I am currently sitting atop my 14-tire stacked throne. If you’re a Cheerio guy like myself, then you can even use it as a cake pan of sorts for making your own homemade jumbo-sized Cheerios. My point is that the possibilities are endless. Tires may serve no purpose on automobiles, but they sure do in your household. So, find your local dying tire shop and stock up. It should be free, if not dirt cheap because everything must go.


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