We all remember the weird commercial for the Kia Soul with the hamsters that were definitely smoking weed right? The trauma that commercial caused permeated for years, across perfectly innocent potheads. Why the hamsters? Why a Kia? Were they even smoking weed, or is this a fever dream/hallucination? Well, all of that is besides the point. The point is that there are way better models to consider when you’re shopping for the perfect vehicle to puff some ganja. We did the research, baking out over 100 models from different brands and testing how effectively they got the designated driver a contact high. After dozens of hours, and pounds of pot, we found our answer: the Nissan Rogue. So, what does that mean for you, the all-wise weed connoisseur? It means that you better hustle to the nearest dealership that has a Nissan Rogue for sale, and get that thing prepared for this year’s 4/20 festivities.
Why the Rogue, Man?
Obviously, our research was based heavily on very scientific criteria. We tested for how the dimensions of the vehicle would affect the velocity and density of the smoke. Aircraft do wind tunnel testing, so consider this smoke tunnel testing. It’s basically the same thing. We also tested our hypothesis that the perfect hot box vehicle would have the interior and infotainment features that positively affect the biochemistry of the test subjects. Are the seats comfortable? Do those seats make you feel like you’ve sunk in, never to climb out and see your family again? When we sat down in the Nissan Rogue, we found a variety of components that made it the best choice for a sophisticated stoner.
First, the center console on the Nissan Rogue has the perfect surface area to roll a joint. It’s even, so no precious green rolled off the console, never to be seen again in the depths of the spaces between the front seats. It was easy to assemble the joint and reach our lighter from inside the console. For our experiment, we chose the Platinum trim so the smoke wouldn’t sink into the faux-leather upholstery. Our research participants were pleased with the amount and locations of the cupholders, easily holding their 7-Eleven slurpee cups.
Once that joint was lit, the dimensions of the Nissan Rogue really came into play. Since the SUV comfortably seats up to five passengers, all of our participants could pass the joint with ease. In fact, not one of these idiots messed up the rotation, thanks to the intuitive layout of the Rogue. The ample legroom came to be a benefit when our one researcher, Kevin, accidentally put his foot to sleep and needed to shake it off. He was later quoted saying, “Man, my foot falls asleep like all the time, seriously. Normally, I’m like hitting it on something, man.” Yes, he bookended the statement with, “man.” Our trial participants are stoners, not rocket scientists, okay, man?
Once they were sufficiently stoned, our test subjects jammed out HARD to some Sublime, blaring through the Nissan Rogue’s 10-speaker Bose audio system. One participant played around on the 9-inch infotainment center until he totally forgot what he was doing and got very emotional about his childhood. For a while, they tuned into a SiriusXM station that was talking about aliens, but the collective paranoia of the group quickly had them change back over to music.
Puff, Puff, Pass on Nissan’s Competitors
Our testing was extensive, hot boxing almost every SUV on the market. Tons of weed was smoked, time wasted, and relationships strained. But it was all worth it to learn that the Nissan Rogue is the best car to get high in. This is the part where we’re required to disclose that all of our participants are unharmed, and only one of their wives wants a divorce. So, before you load up this 4/20, make sure you’re doing it in the right vehicle.