Dumb American Bewildered by the Intricacies of the Metric System

People are shown discussing car financing and the metric system.

Burlington, ON––When the financial center at Burlington Motors receives visitors, it’s usually related to matters of car financing. After all, many people rely upon these essential services to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. But the other day, there was a visitor of a different sort, one who caused quite a stir when he burst through the office door. Cameron Capp, an American motorist embarking on a road trip, decided to take it upon himself to experience the majestic beauty of Canada. And while we’ve always welcomed visitors from the world over, Capp incited a commotion. ‘What the fuck is a km? A killer mile? None of your road signs make sense. I just got pulled over for going 90 mph, and when I told the Mountie this, he told me that the road sign I passed clearly stated km and not mph. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone!”

While Capp was certainly distressed and flustered, some employees began to snicker at his predicament. Capp flew into a rage screaming at the team, who found his plight funny, and it was financial manager Alex Green who had to alleviate the situation and explain to the angry American just what the metric system is and how it’s applied to everyday situations.

“Mr. Capp was certainly traumatized by the confusion,” Green told us. “Truthfully, I can’t understand why. I know Americans use the imperial system because they’re inbred and not as smart as they think they are, but I thought this was taught to them in school.” Green attempted to calm down the motorist by explaining the measurements, such as the kilometer being a unit of distance. “I found it was my duty as his neighbor to the north to explain to him the intricacies of the metric system as best I could. I took him to Tim Horton’s and bought him a coffee and showed him a ruler that my son uses for school.” After showing him the differences between centimeters and inches, Capp again flew into a rage, scaring the other patrons at the coffee shop. Green and Capp then left the establishment, and Capp accused Green of his elitism and bravado in having a confusing method of telling how fast a vehicle is traveling.

“I did my best to help him,” Green told us. “The “imperial system” that Americans use is deeply flawed, not to mention no one else in the world uses it. Canada continues to be the best at everything, whether our vehicle speed measurements or our universal healthcare. If you ask me, the Americans can benefit from both.” We then asked Green what had happened with Mr. Capp. Green proceeded to inform us that he had retired to the Dino Bravo Motor Lodge, which is where we caught up with the motorist. His mood was less than favorable over his recent decision to visit Canada.

“Miles per hour…it’s the easiest concept in the world. Kilometers? Millimeters? Celsius? These are difficult and dumb ideas. It’s like the Europeans when they call soccer football. What the hell is that? I’m never coming back to Canada ever again. If you’re going to deceive us, hard-working patriots, with misleading road signs, then you can keep your stupid healthcare and ‘petrol stations.’ I’m going back to America, where manhood is measured by how big your truck is.”

While we empathize with Capp’s ordeal in failing to learn the metric system, we’ll be pleased to know that he’ll soon be back in the land of the imperial system and overpriced health insurance premiums.


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