[Reprinted From the Classifieds Section of Our Local Newspaper]

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Pole dancers are shown in front of a used Chevy Silverado for sale.

“Used Chevy Silverado for Sale.”

I have a used Chevy Silverado for sale. It is a 2011 Silverado 1500 with a long bed and crew cab and has only 100,000 miles on it. It’s in excellent condition and will be the perfect truck for the right buyer.

I have been using this truck for my mobile exotic dancer business, so there have been some after-market modifications to be aware of. These won’t be right for everyone, but they could be major value-adds for the ideal driver.

First, note that there is a dance pole that I have installed in the truck bed itself. It is gold with a hand-done print of tiny women’s breasts all over. I had a good friend—an esteemed local artist—make this print custom. However, if you are looking for something more discreet in the dance pole on your pickup, I would be happy to re-paint it at no extra charge. So, you could easily have just a regular silver dance pole on your pickup bed.

I have altered the truck’s horn and, when activated, instead of a traditional horn sound it plays T-Pain’s “I’m In Love with a Stripper.” But only the chorus, so it shouldn’t be too distracting to other vehicles. Also, the steering wheel itself… I swapped out the traditional round wheel and put in a yoke. However, rather than the traditional W-shaped yoke, it is shaped like a butt—like, a very nice butt. Most people won’t even notice it’s a butt unless they look closely.

The back seat of the crew cab has been reconfigured into the truck’s champagne room. There is a small chandelier, red velour upholstery, and a built-in champagne bucket in place of a middle seat. Again, some drivers will find this to be a value add. Despite this upgrade, I have found the back seat still accommodates children’s car seats just fine. It’s also worth noting that the cab itself smells like Britney Spears’ signature fragrance, Fantasy. Honestly, it’s actually a pretty nice smell. I prefer it to the “new car” smell, and maybe you will, too.

I have detailed this Silverado many times to remove the glitter, but you might still find some speckles here and there. It is also worth noting that I modified the tailgate. It folds down into a set of red, velvet-covered stairs. But, if you are some sort of contractor or DIYer, you’ll likely find these very useful for loading large, heavy items into the furthest part of your truck bed—presuming, again, that your object fits around the dance pole. My employees did fine on the stairs in their heels and I’m sure they’re just as satisfying to use in work boots.

Last thing, and it’s really very small—I did have the car wrapped, with the silhouettes of naked women. But you can’t actually see anything explicit. It’s just the shapes. So, again, I don’t think neighbors or employers will find this to be a big issue. If you want me to remove the wrap, I will. But know that beneath it is the paint job I personally gave the truck originally, which I will not describe here. The city wrote me a ticket for “indecent exposure” for it, so I imagine I cannot write about it in this periodical. Let’s just say that the naked lady wrap is… the more discreet option.

I think this is an excellent truck. I can vouch for its ability to haul heavy loads. It would regularly transport as many as five dancers, all weighing between 120 and 150 lbs, without issue, and the occasional customer who wanted a lap dance but didn’t want to pay to go into the champagne room. The sound system is excellent, too. You can really feel the bass of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” bumping through the car.

Please reach out if you are interested. My cell is [phone number redacted]. I hope to see this truck in the hands of someone who will appreciate it as much as I have, glitter and all.

Note: Please do not ask about the current whereabouts of my former dancers. I am unable to discuss ongoing criminal proceedings.

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