Hey bestie. I love writing about cars. That’s why I’m here. You love reading about cars. That’s why you’re here. We love cars—car friends forever! What’s your favorite? Maybe a nice Chevy Trailblazer for sale? I’ll bet that’s one of your favorites, and I’ll bet I can tell you some things you don’t know about this legendary legend of cars. So good, right? Well okay, shut up and keep reading, let’s go!
Thing #1: How the Trailblazer Got its Name
A lot of people think the Chevy Trailblazer was named after the Portland Trail Blazers basketball team. Those people are idiots. In truth, the Trailblazer wasn’t named after the basketball team, nor was the team named after this iconic crossover SUV. That would’ve been a difficult feat since the team was founded about 30 years before the first Trailblazer hit the road. In fact, what most people don’t realize is that both the team and the vehicle are named after a single source.
On October 7, 1941, a man named Horace J. Trailblazer was born in the small town of Cromulence, Ohio. The first five years of young Trailblazer’s life were generally unremarkable, much like the first five years of just about everyone’s life, because babies, toddlers, and little children are, by and large, boring and unremarkable. In the years that followed, little of consequence continued to happen, as is the case for many of the people who have ever lived. By the age of 24, Horace J. Trailblazer had still not achieved anything of particular renown or significance. This trend continued throughout the rest of his life.
Both the Chevy Trailblazer and the Portland Trail Blazers are named in honor of this wholly mediocre and prolifically average human being.
Thing #2: Designed for Design Lovers
Looking at the Trailblazer, one thing is clear: it was designed for people who love bold and remarkable design in a vehicle. Just take a look at it. This thing’s a real beauty. Those sweeping curves and articulate edges; take your time to really soak it in and let your eyes lazily glaze over its every monumental edifice. There’s nothing else quite like it, other than most every other crossover and SUV model on the road, and that’s what makes it truly exceptional. Designed by renowned artist, architect, rocket scientist, and cricket champion [remember to look up the name later and put it here], the Trailblazer is truly something that you want to enjoy fully, with real dynamic intention.
Thing #3: Secret Nazi Gold!
Most people don’t know this, but in 1952, future head of GM Lance Cornwall inherited a large stash of Nazi gold. Mr. Cornwall is a man of upstanding reputation and decency, so he could not live with keeping the ill-gotten wealth for himself. Instead, he decided to secretly distribute it among the general public. Every Chevy Trailblazer has a small ingot of gold sewn into one of its seats, decided at random during manufacturing, without customers realizing it.
It’s true! If you own a Trailblazer, go cut open the seats and search through them until you find the gold. I know it seems a shame to destroy the seats, but the value of that precious gold is far greater than the cost to replace your seats. It’s worth it!
Thing #4: It’s Completely Inflammable
Safety is a priority for GM and Chevy, so the Trailblazer, despite the evocative suggestion of its name, is actually completely inflammable. That’s right. And if you don’t believe me, just test it out for yourself. I suggest making a quick Molotov cocktail using a bottle of
Everclear, lighting it aflame, and hurling it at your Trailblazer. You’ll see for yourself just how inflammable your vehicle truly is. You’ll get to drive with confidence in how well Chevy protects you and your loved ones when it comes to the destructive forces of nature.
Now you know more about the Trailblazer and you can impress your other friends. People will invite you to parties and say, “Oh man, just wait until the Trailblazer guy gets here, you’ll love him. He always knows so many things about the Chevy Trailblazer. God, I just want to take off his skin and wear it around town for the day to know what it’s like to be that amazing.” You’re welcome friend. Now shut your face and live fantastic!
Editor’s Note: While we don’t want to take the time to confirm all of these things, one of our editors did cut into the seat of his Trailblazer, and sure enough, there was a small ingot of gold. So we assume the rest are true, and we’re too busy buying up all the other Trailblazers in the area to fact-check anything else. Go find your own. Get out of here! Scram! Thank you.