Friends and readers, I take it upon myself to provide you with the latest, most up-to-date, live auto news and the real inside scoop on the auto industry. This is something I’m passionate about, and I take a great deal of pride in the work that I do, the letters of thanks I receive, and the remarkable number of meatballs that I can eat in a single sitting. Recently I had the opportunity to take one of the hottest new cars on the road for a test spin, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t share my experience with you. This is something you need to know about because it will forever change the face of the auto industry as we know it.
Spectacular Power and Performance
Believe me when I say this: I judge every vehicle first and foremost on how it feels to drive, and this thing was an absolute marvel. The moment I sat inside, I honestly said, “Wow!” out loud because the simple, elegant feel of it was everything I’ve been looking for in my life. Pressing the ignition button, feeling that sensual shudder and the subtle rumble of the engine reminded me that I’d made all the right choices.
The zero-to-sixty time on this stunning piece of machinery absolutely floored me, and I’m sure you can see why. It’s clear there’s nothing else quite like it on the market, and it’s something that you need to feel for yourself to fully appreciate. Trust me; the moment you head to your nearest dealership and take this beauty for a test drive, you’ll never want to get behind the wheel of anything else. The rest of your days—leading up to this point—will be revealed as a hollow mimicry of life, as this car reveals to you the true purpose of your meager existence.
Sharp, Expressive Interior Design
Of course, a big part of this driving experience is all thanks to the impeccable work of the designers creating this vehicle. They clearly knew what they were doing as they lovingly crafted every surface and curve that expresses itself throughout the interior. You’ll feel absolutely draped in the richest luxury imaginable. I had to remind myself several times while taking this beast for a spin that I was simply a man, born mortal of a father and mother, and not a god-king who had stepped down from the heights of some primordial mountaintop to experience the Platonic ideal of driving a car. Even now, looking back, I cannot help but weep for the knowledge of what I’m missing as I type this, not being behind that incredible machine.
Smooth Curves and Sleek Shapes
From the outside, this stunning vessel for the imagination looks like an absolute work of art, worthy of a place in the grandest of museums; the most decadent of European castles. It is not an exaggeration to say that it makes the exquisite forms of Michelangelo’s Pietà look like a dried and whitened turd hanging from the fur-matted haunches of some apocalyptic hellhound. I saw one person who was about to take a test drive look at the vehicle, stare at it for several moments, and then proceed to gouge out his own eyes. When I asked why he had done so, he replied, stammering in exultation, “I shall never look upon anything more beautiful.”
Innovation and Advancement
Technology is the name of the game in this incredible piece of machinery, and it’s clear that the technicians working on this vehicle understood the assignment. Along with its sleek and sultry interior, you’ll find a massive display that stretches across all of space and time, reaching from the moment of your birth to the hour of your last breath. It is a truly gorgeous screen, and being able to utilize it for the latest Infotainment system and updated systematics really helps to rejuvenate everything you’ve been looking for. There’s nothing else quite like it out there—and, if we live in the best of all possible worlds, then there never will be.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We reached out to the writer of this piece several times for more specific information about the make and model of this review. Each time we were rewarded with several photographs of our staff members and editors eating dinner out at restaurants, clearly unaware of the photographer. Perhaps strangest of all, in every image, our team members looked older than they are now and no one remembered eating in the restaurants pictured in the images. We decided it’s best to simply let it go, and we’ve provided this review as it is without further amendment. Thank you.