Ford Releases New Jock-Nerd Hybrid

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A white 2023 Ford F-450 is shown from the front at an angle.

Mixing the power of gasoline with the power of electricity has become old hat—and, besides, it’s never really had much appeal for the kind of people who just want the biggest, baddest, most powerful truck they can possibly afford to buy. The hybrid F-150 may be all fine and well for the kale farmers in California, but a different approach might be necessary to reach the drivers in “Real America.”

Now, that doesn’t mean that automakers shouldn’t keep on Frankensteining different elements together. Of course they should! Smashing things together is the spice of life. So we’re excited to hear that the new 2023 Ford F-450 will feature the world’s very first jock-nerd hybrid system.

This super-duty truck is 300 more than an F-150, so you know it means business. The jock system has been part of the F-450’s design for generations; you already know it can tow a gazillion pounds, and it drinks diesel like milk. Leave it alone for long enough and it may spontaneously grow its own pair of truck nuts. On top of that, this new model can receive the latest football plays over the air, and it has a high enough suspension to be able to dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop. But what happens when you add some brains into the mix?

Well, the all-new nerd quotient of the 2023 F-450 brings plenty of features to the table. It’s capable of a 5G internet connection, so it not only scares the hell out of doomers but it also has access to all of the knowledge known to mankind. This includes world geography, several trillion digits of pi, and a TARDISful of fun facts about Doctor Who. The interior features a stand for your laptop and a pocket protector for your perpetually-leaking fountain pens, while the exterior sports glasses to compensate for its near-sighted cameras.

So is this combination a brilliant innovation or an abomination before man and God? Only time will tell, but based on what we know so far, we can already predict that there are some pitfalls that you should probably avoid. Here at The Lemon, we’re always looking out for your well-being as a driver. If you’re planning on getting behind the wheel of this experimental new pickup, here are a few words of caution:

  • Do NOT park too close to a high school, as this thing may well try to stuff itself into a locker.
  • For optimal performance, you will need to dose your truck’s fuel with steroids. When pulling an all-nighter during a long haul, it may also require copious amounts of caffeine—but it will be ready for the big test in the morning.
  • In addition to wheel alignments, the pickup may also require significant orthodontics, ranging from a nighttime retainer all the way up to full headgear surrounding the engine block. If so, it will mock itself mercilessly.
  • Tailgate parties will make the F-450 both excited and terrified. It can be unpredictable in this state, so it’s best to not make any sudden moves, and try to avoid parking near small children or pets.
  • Watch out for a bug where the infotainment screen plays scenes from the truck’s favorite anime instead of navigation directions. If you don’t turn the screen off quickly enough, the truck will turn against itself, putting itself in a half-nelson—the physics of which can be extremely hazardous for any occupants currently in the cabin.
  • If you leave the truck directly between a gym and a board game store, the forces pulling it in opposite directions may split it in two. This is not covered under warranty.

Of course, alongside these issues, the truck’s unique design also has plenty of benefits. It can tutor itself in math, so your mileage should continue to be accurate, even when it gets up into the bigger numbers. And perhaps, over time, its two halves will realize that they have more in common than they thought and will form a real connection that makes both of them stronger than ever. Perhaps around a shared belief that Aragorn is so badass.

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