Friends, it’s your old pal J. Jonah Von Gourdboddum here, and I’m coming to you today with alarming information. Information that other, so-called “news” outlets and biased, liberal-controlled media sites simply won’t share with you. No, they’re far too in bed with tire shops across this great nation of ours to want to open up your eyes to the invisible menace lurking just outside our view, waiting to do us harm.
Now, you’re all intelligent people; otherwise, you wouldn’t be here reading this right now. We all know that we have the best, smartest people reading this site, providing us with great feedback, and showing us the way to improve this bold and generous nation we live in. Why, just the other day, I received a lovely message from a woman named Pat Magroin about how much she enjoys my work, the ample girth of my linguistic bravado, and all the good it’s doing her. She was positively gushing with praise.
But today… today I need to leave behind my typical levity and good-natured attitude to reveal a danger threatening each and every one of us. If you’ve been watching the news, you no doubt already know what I’m talking about. Still, just in case you’ve been missing out or preoccupied with something else going on (I can’t imagine what), you need to know about this danger so you can identify it and keep your loved ones safe. I am, of course, talking about exploding Chinese tires and the damage they do to our American roads, families, and way of life!
How We Got Here
Now, before we go any further with this news, my friends, we need to take a moment to talk about how we got here: what has happened and, more importantly, who’s to blame! Because it’s not me, dammit, and I can sure as hell tell you that it’s not you either. No, you’re all good people, and clearly, this must be someone else’s fault – but we’ll get to that later, believe me.
This whole disastrous debacle starts back in 1957 when a man named Lawrence Caruthers began the Bull Moose Tire Company. His aim was simple; it was the aim of all true Americans: to offer a product that would make as much money as possible for him. Initially, he thought the best way to do this was by manufacturing his own tires, tires of the highest quality, which he could sell to keep others safe on the road while making a handsome profit.
For more than a decade, this plan worked quite well. Bull Moose tires were among the very best on the road, with the lowest blow-out and failure rate of any tires made in America. The people that worked in the Bull Moose factories (there were seven of them at one point) were well-paid, happy, and able to prove their quality in this great American experiment we’re all a part of. It was as genuine and meaningful a success story as any I’ve ever heard.
In 1974, the honorable Mr. Caruthers came to that most patriotic of realizations: he was failing to do his part in serving Capitalism. The shame he felt must have been truly titanic – I can only try to imagine it as I’ve never personally felt a moment of shame in my entire life. Shame is for the weak and the corrupt; it’s for people that have done something poorly or done something wrong. Two things that do not describe me, your humble host.
Mr. Caruthers realized that the cost of manufacturing his high-quality tires was significantly higher than the cost of importing tires from overseas. Within six months, he had shut down all seven factories and reached an agreement to import “quality” tires from China, which he would then sell as his own Bull Moose brand. Everyone loved it – it was a great idea, the best idea. The men and women that had worked for him applauded his ingenuity, and the world knew the gentle peace of a good night’s sleep, which can only come after saving money on tires.
Where Everything Went Wrong
Today, things are very different. Little could Mr. Caruthers have known that the Bull Moose brand he had spent his life building would fall into ruin and disgrace. It’s not his fault; of course, he did what was best for himself and the corporation he had built. And we all know that what’s best for corporations is what’s best for America!
After Lawrence Caruthers passed away in 1994, his son, Jonathan Caruthers, took over the company and quickly became CEO. He did what any of us would’ve done: he sold the business his father had spent a lifetime building to a Chinese conglomerate for an impressive sum. Let me be clear on this: Jonathan Caruthers also did the right thing. The money he made was substantial – today he’s one of those impressive billionaires you’ve never heard of, and every year he gives the maximum tax-deductible amount to the charity organization he runs.
After the sale, however, the quality of Bull Moose tires quickly declined as the new Chinese owners put their profits above all else. And this is the problem: Chinese companies buying up American businesses and letting them fall apart all in the name of profit. It’s disgusting! Noble, American patriots are just trying to get ahead by selling the hard work of their hands and the sweat of their brow, and these foreign companies buy them and then only care about making money.
Let me tell you this: it’s un-American. Proper American behavior means working hard and doing whatever needs to be done to make as much money as possible. These Chinese companies that are doing whatever needs to be done to make as much money as possible are an abomination, and they are ruining the American working class.
Exploding Chinese Tires and You
So now, here we are with low-quality tires that have started exploding. And I don’t just mean they’re popping. Balloons pop. Oh no, these tires are exploding. Violently. With enough force to send a car hurling headlong into the sky and land on top of someone’s house.
Just the other day, I read a report (that’s right, I still read my news dammit!) stating that as many as 107% of tires on American roads are coming from Chinese companies. I’ve run the numbers and checked those statistics, and if anything, I’d say they’re a little low. More and more, every single day, these dangerous foreign tires come into this country and take work away from respectable American tires.
And then they explode! If you care about your family, if you love them and want them to succeed and have a life almost as good as yours, you need to do what’s right. Go to your local congressman and tell him that you’ve had enough of exploding Chinese tires. This is the great struggle of our time, and it needs to end!
Dictated, not read.
Editor’s Note: We’ve looked into this, and while there are a few reports of Chinese tires popping or blowing out, we’re not sure we’ve seen anything as wide-spread or dangerous as what the writer presents here. And those popping tires are extremely rare and not dangerous at all. According to the scientists we talked to, Chinese tires are perfectly safe, and you should have at least four of them on your car at all times. We’d also like to take a moment to welcome our new site owner: Happy Sun Publishing, a division of Huang Enterprises, owned and operated by Tencent Holdings Ltd. Thank you.