Introducing the All-New 2021 Chevy Tahoe Protest Edition

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A black 2021 Chevy Tahoe with the words 'the hearbeat of America' on the side is parked in front of a protest.

Anyone who knows anything about the auto industry knows that it’s a business in which heroes, true heroes, rise to the top, and those that would rely on corruption or greed sink into the quagmire of their own immorality. It’s an industry built upon hard work and determination, real grit, and all those other things you see in commercials for pickup trucks. Whether it’s planned obsolescence to devalue used cars or moving as much manufacturing as humanly possible overseas, the auto industry is the true vanguard of business ethics in America.

In keeping with that bold and noble spirit, GM today announced the all-new 2021 Chevy Tahoe Protest Edition, which will be hitting dealerships in the not-too-distant future. This beauty is designed with everything you need to take to the streets and demand real change while staring down a system built on a rancid foundation of racism and violence. With this impressive new machine, GM has truly doubled down on their commitment to change and progress, and proven they’re not merely engaging in performative activism on a massive, nationwide level.

Who would even think of doing such a thing…?

The Chevy Tahoe Protest Edition

Alright, boys and girls, let’s jump in here and see what kinds of features the new Protest Edition brings to the table. I’ve had a good look at this thing and I can tell you this: I’m impressed. The Protest Edition trim has everything you could need including a powerful engine to get you to the protest on time, a black exterior to help you not standout in the crowd, and run-flat tires for when the police attempt to slash your tires so you can’t leave at curfew and they can arrest you. Great start GM!

In addition to this, the interior has stain-resistant upholstery for when you have to drive home after having your head bashed in by a law enforcement officer upholding the peace with a baton to your skull – don’t want to have to deal with stubborn blood stains tomorrow, right? There are numerous interior cup-holders that are perfect for water bottles – both for you to drink from and for you to douse your face with after a peace officer blasts you in the eyes, nose, and mouth with mace. Or to help wash away tear gas; tear gas that is forbidden for use in war by the Geneva Convention, but which the police will gladly turn upon a civilian populace.

Sometimes found in used cars and shown here on the inside of a 2021 Chevy Tahoe are blood stains.

One of my favorite features, however, has to be the upgraded Infotainment system with an all-new “Protest Recognition” feature. Simply active the available Navigation software, and it will prompt you to identify the cause you are protesting for. With voice recognition functionality, it can easily understand your answer and will plot a course for the nearest protest site.

Best of all, with the upgraded AI software, it can even distinguish between legitimate protests, like if you’re tired of seeing innocent people be murdered by an out-of-control criminal justice system that views citizens as enemy combatants, or if you’re just a selfish prick. That’s right – the Protest Recognition software can detect if your “protest” is about your “right” to not have to wear a mask for 5 minutes while you buy a bag of chips and a large soda and interact with a person that wears a mask for 8 hours to try to protect you and your loved ones, you bilious toad of a human being. Just wear the goddamn mask; there are real people with real problems protesting violence, oppression, and actual violations of human dignity and freedom.

You shit.

Fair’s Fair, Right?

Of course, it seems only right that GM has announced the all-new Tahoe Protest Edition. After all, they are more than happy to sell their vehicles through numerous extremely lucrative contracts to law enforcement agencies across the country. In fact, they produce a number of special editions of their vehicles specifically for use by police officers – including the very officers beating the holy hell out of innocent protesters exercising their Constitutional right to free speech and political protest.

If my sources are correct – and they are, dear reader, they are – the Chevy Tahoe itself is just one of those very vehicles with an upcoming Police Pursuit Vehicle (PPV) version coming soon to streets near you. This PPV model lets you “Pursue with confidence” – don’t worry, those are GM’s words, not mine – with 120.7 cu. ft. of passenger volume to “give your squad space to perform.” Oh, happy day!

The Chevy Tahoe PPV features a heavy-duty, police-rated suspension, a heavy-duty locking rear differential, and skid plate protection. Best of all, it has available front and rear splash guards and lovely big nudge bars that should make it easy to drive through protesters with the greatest of ease. What more could a fascist regime ask for?

Donations are Important…

Oh, but let’s be fair; I don’t want you to think I’m raking GM over the coals for making vehicles specifically targeted toward police officers while also paying lip service to the people protesting against those very same police officers. That’d be very mean of me, indeed. No, let’s be fair…

GM recently showed great leadership in supporting the Black Lives Matter movement with social media posts to show us just how much they care. But they went beyond that and formed an Inclusion Advisory Board because they “aspire to be the most inclusive company in the world.” Dare to dream, GM.

But they even went beyond that bit of aspiration, oh yes. They quite figuratively put their money where their mouth is and made a truly heroic donation of $10 million to “support organizations which promote inclusion and racial justice,” again, those are their words. This includes a combination of “corporate giving” and “matching of employee contributions” and features an initial $1 million donation to the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund to “help root out racism, bigotry and discrimination.” Again, you can tell those are their words because they left out the Oxford comma – arguably the most loathsome aspect of this whole thing.

Now don’t get me wrong, giving money to the NAACP to help fight bigotry and racism is a great thing. Full stop; there’s no “but” there.

…aren’t they?

And it’s good to see that GM has that kind of money to spare after posting revenue last year that was down about 7% from the previous year. No, really, GM only generated 137 billion US dollars in 2019 – only 137 BILLION DOLLARS! Now sure, in June they were awarded a defense contract with the US Army worth $214 million, and there’s no telling how much they make from their sales of vehicles to police across the US, but their revenue was down 7% in 2019 – so the fact that they had anything to donate is amazing.

And sure, 10 million is 0.0073% of the $137 billion in revenue they made last year, and no, I didn’t mess up that math or move a decimal… that’s how much it represents. That’s how little of a single percent of their revenue they donated to be a part of “meaningful, deliberate change,” as GM CEO Mary Barra put it.

A protestor with a Guy Fawkes mask and sign that reads 'freedom' is protesting outside a government building.

By the way, she received $21.6 million in compensation in 2019 and $21.87 million in 2018. That’s roughly 200 times the median compensation for GM’s employees; the employees they’re encouraging to donate so they can match their contribution. But don’t worry; she’s leading GM’s Inclusion Advisory Board, so she’s certainly fighting the good fight. While GM offers less than half of what she makes in a single year while “…urging others to act.” Bravo!

Editor’s Note: We now return you to your regularly scheduled silliness. Thank you.

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