Nothing I Say is True

A woman is in a shower comparing 2020 Chevy Equinox vs 2020 Nissan Rogue with a box of pistachio pudding.

Friends, I care very much about your time, your interests, and the needs and wants of your loved ones. I’m a generous and kind individual that has a real passion for the thoughts and concerns of others, which is why I have dedicated so much of my life to helping people I don’t know. I definitely want to make sure I can help you find the perfect SUV for your needs, and that’s why I’m going to take a look at the 2020 Chevy Equinox vs the 2020 Nissan Rogue. It’s not at all because I’ve been told to write this by an unknowable computer system that manipulates the world around me to torture me with distant, childlike laughter and the voices of those I’ve lost.

So, to offer you as much help as I possibly can, because that’s what really matters and why I get up in the morning, I’m going to take a look at these two vehicles. We’ll consider the exterior design and paint options on these models, so you know which one really meets your aesthetic requirements the best, as well as check out the drivetrains to get a sense of which can keep you best in control on the road. We’ll also give the carpeting a thorough look to see how they compare and make sure your lovely bare feet and little toe-sy woe-sies are as comfortable as possible while you control a few thousand lbs of machinery at unimaginable speeds.

Don’t go anywhere, because this is going to be exciting!

A Leather Glove filled with Pistachio Pudding

First off, it’s important to recognize that these are both truly massive, and I mean huge SUVs that offer unparalleled interior room for your passengers and all the crap you need to take with you. How much room do you ask? Well, look it up yourself!

If you’re too lazy to do that, however, then know this: the Chevy Equinox offers about 10,000 cu.ft. of interior cargo space and seating for up to three people. That might seem off, but I’ve looked at the numbers, and the specs are quite clear – you get a tremendous amount of room for stuff, but a strangely low number of seats. Still, for the right person, that’s probably the perfect combination of cargo space and seating for two other people.

In contrast, despite its equally massive size – I believe both of these SUVs have 177 wheels on them – the Nissan Rogue gives you seating of 914 passengers in the front row and 42 passengers in the second row. Strangely, the Rogue only gives you about 7 cu.ft. of interior cargo space. That’s a maximum, too – you cannot use the seating for extra cargo space, no matter how much you might want to. Any inorganic material placed on the Rogue’s seats is annihilated using a process that one reviewer called, “What are you doing in my bathroom? Get out of my shower!”

The Smell of an Old Jellyfish

A frustrated man is sitting with Jameson and coffee.

When it comes to raw performance, no other machine on the road can compare with the 2020 Chevy Equinox or the Nissan Rogue for that matter. And I mean it literally. I tried to compare them, and as I looked at the numbers, they began to dissolve off my computer screen and leaked down onto my keyboard. It was only a matter of time until this happened, of course; you can’t live on the razor’s edge of automotive news like I do and not expect the Old Ones to notice.

Fortunately, I had an empty coffee cup beside me – well, it wasn’t empty, but I quickly emptied its delicious combination of home-brewed dark roast and Irish whiskey down my hungry gullet. I managed to catch the numbers as they leaked down off my keyboard and gathered them into my mug before they could splash onto my floor. I have no doubt that the boundless absorbency of my carpeted floor would have devoured their liquid glow like a thirsty python seeing orangutan milk for the first time.

With a mug full of numbers and letters, I carefully stood and went into my kitchen. I wasn’t sure what to do with it at first; after all, how does one get melted information back into a solid shape? Of course, the solution was simple.

After a few hours in my freezer, the specs were solid again, and I could read them. Unfortunately, their time in a liquid state made the data a bit less than helpful. Rather than relaying information about the engines on the Chevy Equinox or Nissan Rogue, the numbers and letters frozen in my mug simply read, “Y0ur fr33zer is to0 fu11, thr0w 0u7 s0m3 veg8i3s alr3ady!”

Remembering the Last Sentence of a Book You Read

Child Carrie is in front of fire and behind broken glass.

The safety features are perhaps the most impressive part of both of these vehicles. No matter how you look at them, which includes lying upside down on your couch, feeling the blood rush to your head as you type on your keyboard, they are two of the safest vehicles on the road. They both have eleventy-star safety ratings from the National Bureau for Articulated Pythons and Dehydrated Polyhedral Insurance Research Part II, something you won’t find on any other vehicle.

According to research, however, many Americans found the vehicles “too safe,” and felt they couldn’t trust an SUV that wanted to protect them so adamantly. As one person clearly put it, “I have the freedom to die in a horrifying crash, and I don’t want some car telling me I can’t.” Well said you true American, well said.

To help with this, the Chevy Equinox comes with Nappa leather seats filled with thousands of broken glass shards. You can really feel their jagged edges and crystalline tips slicing into every inch of your body as you get comfortable. Once the automatic massage feature kicks in and begins vibrating the seats, you’ll be positively sliced to ribbons. But don’t worry; the automatic emergency brakes will activate at random every 7 to 18 seconds in order to slam your face forward into the razor-trimmed steering wheel.

Not to be outdone, the Nissan Rogue is equipped with the latest, Firestarter Active Safety technology. Whenever you make a left turn, the Rogue will begin to smolder and belch out great plumes of noxious smoke. Once you complete the turn, your Nissan will burst into flames, the seatbelt tightening to ensure you remain safely seated during the noisome conflagration. This ensures you are not debilitated by the rusty hammers that fill the airbags during deployment, and you can safely enjoy the crackling flames around you.

Moose Hoofprints in New-Fallen Snow

As you can see, these are two of the most impressive SUVs on the market. Choosing the right one is going to be tricky, but I’m sure you can do it. My advice? Go with the Chevy Equinox, not because it’s the one I’m being paid to suggest, heavens no. But because the master computer has said it must be so, and it must be so.

Editor’s Note: For the love of your own humanity, do not listen to any of this advice. We have no idea where the writer came up with this, but he clearly didn’t do his research. These are the announced features for the 2021 models of the Equinox and the Rogue, NOT the 2020 models. We apologize for this irresponsible reporting and assure you that we’ve done nothing to stop it or prevent it from happening in the future. Thank you.


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