Few things in this sullen world excite me quite so much as when car companies announce exciting new promotional campaigns for their vehicles. Whether it’s a brilliantly conceived slogan or advertising phrase, or some kind of cross-promotion with a movie I’m interested in, any time a car company finds a new way to advertise to me, I know things are going to be alright and feel a bit better inside. Recently, GM unveiled plans for a brand-new initiative they’re calling the “Lidless Eye” campaign. Although the official details are still shrouded in Shadow, I was able to get my hands on some internal documents that are quite revealing.
Three Seats for the Elven-Kings Under the Sky
One of the most remarkable aspects of this initiative is an all-new three-person model of the popular Chevy Corvette. I’m not entirely sure where the third seat is going to be located, though one design I was able to get a brief look at suggested it will be in the front trunk area. Whatever the case may be, I’ve been told one seat would be fiery hot, another open to the air, and the third would be a seat designed to look like water in the form of powerful horses rushing forward (and it will be wet, always wet).
Seven for the Dwarf-Lords in Their Halls of Stone
An exclusive version of the Chevy Traverse with seating for seven people is also in the works, dubbed the “Halls of Durin Edition” according to some internal documents I’ve seen. One source I talked to said the engineers had “delved too greedily and too deep” in search of advanced fuel economy and horsepower, resulting in some remarkable new powertrain advances. The engine has been described as “Shadow and Flame,” which I assume means it will use some of the same technology found in the Chevy Bolt EV.
Nine Seats for Mortal Men Doomed to Die
Perhaps most exciting of all is that work is underway on a special edition of the GMC Yukon that is designed with seating for up to nine people. While I must admit that I find the promotional tagline proclaiming the interior designed for passengers who are “doomed to die” rather alarming, going by some of the safety features found in standard models these days, that does seem accurate. One source within GMC, who requested he remain nameless (his exact words were, “My name is remembered in no tale, for I myself have forgotten it”), provided some additional information about the third-row seating:
“Maybe he in the third row is a creature that you would not grieve to lose, and maybe otherwise: one dear to you perhaps? If so, take swift counsel that he shall endure the slow torment of years in the back seats and never be released, unless maybe when he is changed and broken.”
Personally, that sounds a bit more like the third-row seating in the Range Rover Sport or Kia Sorento, but who am I to argue? I was informed by one individual that the seating was primarily designed for those who are “proud and great” and who will become “shadows under the great Shadow.” What does this mean, exactly? Two words: Nazgûl carpool!
One Seat to Rule them All
In a bid to compete with seating like the Nissan Zero-Gravity seats and the 30-way adjustable seats of the Lincoln Navigator, GM is developing its own “One seat to rule them all.” My understanding is that this seat will not only be exquisitely comfortable, with rich materials forged in the fires of Sammath Naur, but it will also give the driver dominion over the other seats. This applies not only to your own vehicle but to all of the seats in every other GM model. This impressive new standard is still in early development; it’s being designed with the help of a mysterious engineer referred to as the “Lord of Gifts,” so that can’t possibly be a bad thing.
Editor’s Note: At this time, GM has refused to comment on some of the announcements in this article, though a spokesperson has confirmed that they’re always looking to innovate when it comes to seating in their vehicles. We assume whoever ends up with the Master-seat if it should be lost, will be wise enough to keep it secret, keep it safe. Thank you.