Google Takes a Dump

Oh, Google…you presumptuous bitch.

Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. You type a word or two into the search bar, and Google starts suggesting any number of options which may, or may not, have anything to do with your query. In fact some of Google’s suggestions are so downright bizarre, that the phenomenon has launched countless internet memes. Like that old chestnut, where you type ‘what do I do if?’ and Google suggests ‘a ginger kid bites me.’ Or typing ‘how to raise your’ and getting ‘IQ by eating gifted children.’

Bottom-line: the world is a fucked up place, and hopefully you’re not trying to ‘escape from quicksand’ or competing for ‘award-winning zucchini.’ In my case, it all started when I typed the word…

Dump

It’s not important why I was Google-ing the word ‘dump’ although I will specify that (i) I was not researching landfills, and (ii) it preceded a call to Dr. Doug MacAfee, a prominent gastroenterologist (but that’s beside the point). No sooner had I typed the word ‘dump’ when Google decided that I must be looking for information on ‘Dump Trucks for Sale.’

To be crystal clear, I would have no reason to research ‘Dump Trucks for Sale.’ And while it was hardly the funniest WTF moment I had experienced via Google search (see ‘I hate it when’ / ‘I lose my white friends in the snow’) I did find the suggestion rather presumptuous.

What possible interest would I have in dump trucks? None. Then I got to thinking: Is this a common inquiry? Are Dump Trucks trending? Could increased demand lead to a deficit in Dump Truck supply? Curiosity grew into obsession as I found myself typing query after query, relentlessly rephrasing ‘dump’ and ‘truck’ over and over again. Not unlike a modern Bryan Adams, I nearly typed it “till my fingers bled.” But whereas his “Summer of ’69” represented the best days of his life, this day was hardly the best of mine.

Realizing that there had to be a motivation behind the prevalence of ‘Dump Truck For Sale’ as Google key words, my mind began to wander. Connecting the dots like yarn connecting thumbtack-to-thumbtack in some kind of investigative crime drama, it hit me:

The Dump Truck Illuminati

Why else would there be such interest in Dump Trucks For Sale, unless of course the halls of power and fame hid a secret cabal of wealthy men and women who made use of those specific vehicles to further their own success, to facilitate their own twisted desires, and to shape the very world around us.

• Take Chuck Norris, for example. It is well-established fact that Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, and after five days of excruciating pain…the cobra died. One can only imagine the number of cobras that Chuck has encountered over the years, but one must conclude that they all ended up as corpses. Just imagine the fury if PETA had the physical evidence to prosecute him. But to move thousands (millions?) of dead cobras, one would need a vehicle properly equipped to transport and unload tons of cargo. Boom. Dump Trucks For Sale.
• Or Fergie and the ‘Black Eyed Peas.’ It speaks to the reach of this shadow organization that they could leave all the clues right in front of us, yet we failed to see them. ‘Whatcha gonna do with all that junk. All that junk inside your trunk?’ I’ll tell you ‘whatcha gonna do.’ Ya gonna search: Dump Trucks For Sale.
• I’m calling you out too, Lindsey Lohan. There isn’t enough cocaine on earth to make us forget about ‘The Parent Trap.’ The fact that you’re not a good enough actress to play a dual-role is the only evidence we need. Dead twins don’t remove themselves. Ding. Dump Trucks For Sale.
• What happened to the older brother from “Happy Days?” Dump Truck.
• The Younger daughter from “Family Matters?” Dump Truck.
• Where do all the mismatched socks go? Dump Track.
• The entire audience base of “Two Broke Girls?” Beep. Beep. Beep. Dump Truck.
• Hey, Maroon 5! Where have all those dead Vietnamese hookers gone over the past 15 years? Well, they sure didn’t drive off in a Ford Focus.
• And while it may be true that Jon Bon Jovi has seen a million faces…there is absolutely no discernible evidence that he has, in fact “rocked them all.” Perhaps there is a dump truck full of intensely rocked faces somewhere in New Jersey. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that police dogs would be able to discern the smell, from the rest of New Jersey…

Like the germ-infested pages of a waiting room People magazine, the theories began to stick to one another. But alas…I face the burden of proof and I find myself empty-handed. It’s not unlike trying to substantiate the Clinton family body count, although I’m sure that with enough digging I’d find record of William Jefferson Clinton holding a CDL license during the 70s and 80s, and that he drove a Dump Truck for HRC Transport. Maybe enough people will read this, and we can start to expose this secret society by keeping an eye out for Dump Trucks for Sale.

Don’t Smoke Crack

Is probably what my Editor will say, after reading this. But if you’re still reading this, and actually in search of Dump Trucks for Sale, I wish you luck. And if you’re curious, legitimate use of Google leaves us with the following takeaways:

• When caught in quicksand, do not struggle against it. Wait for properly-leveraged assistance.
• The only way to cancel out the toxins of Ginger saliva is with the nectar of the Luta Kaga Hohe (Red Demon Enemy) plant, found only in remote areas of what was once the Lakota Oyate territories.
• The keys to growing the healthiest zucchinis are placement and succession.
• The lateral left cortex provides the most tender meat (but only until the age of 11).
• Avoid beet salad (per Dr. Doug MacAfee).