Harley-Davidson: The New Face of Severe Brain Damage (and “Crotch-Rot”?)

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A man is shown standing in front of a 2022 Harley-Davidson Road King Special.

There’s no doubt that the year is going to be an exciting one for fans of Harley-Davidson. Especially with the 2022 Harley-Davidson Road King Special, which is still generating quite a bit of buzz here in early 2023. It’s seldom that we get to talk to a long-time Harley owner, but we got to do just that when we sat down with Miles “Junkie Head” Jones. A Harley rider with several years of experience whose mental scars speak to the level of commitment he possesses.

Miles, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us.

“Huh? Wha? Oh yeah, you guys, aren’t you here to look at my sink?”

No, we’re here to talk about your passion for motorcycles, Harley-Davidsons in particular.

“Oh, right. Well, it all started when I was a teenager. No one really bathed back then, and I needed a way to get laid. I saw Easy Rider in the theater and realized that if Dennis Hopper could get some stank pussy with a bike, then I could too.”

Isn’t that sexist?

“Hell yeah, she was really sexy. And girls love bikers who say fuck it to the rules and don’t wear helmets or use condoms. It’s like that time…uh…something happened…fuck, now I don’t remember.”

Helmets save lives. Are you opposed to that?

“No, I just think if you wear one, you’re a…a….”

A What?

“What was that last word you said?”

Opposed. It means against.

“Oh…I thought you said pussy.”

No, Miles. But, while we’re on the subject, why have you chosen to ride without a helmet for so very long? Aren’t you worried about bodily injury?

“ Well, it’s like this, helmets are for pussies. Every time you fall off your bike, it makes you tougher. I’ve never worn a helmet. Not once, and I’ve been riding for a LONG time.”

How long have you been riding?

“Uh…um…years.”

How many years?

“Tons”

Years aren’t measured in tons. A ton is used to measure weight.

“Wait? What are we waiting for?”

Next subject, I guess. What do you have to say to the laws that are put in place that require helmets be worn by riders under the age of 18?”

“I’ll tell you what, this is when they turn kids gay. Back in the day, getting hurt was what made you tough. You see these scars on my head? Each one tells a different story about the time I fell off my bike.”

Care to recount one of those stories for us?

“One…two…three…four…”

What are you doing?

“You just asked me to count my stories.”

No, Miles. RECOUNT. Tell us about one of the stories.”

“Oh, right. One…Two…”

Now, what are you doing?

“You told me to recount, so I’m counting.”

No, Miles, listen carefully. Tell us one of the stories that gave you one of your scars.

“Why the fuck didn’t you just say so? You make things tough. Anyway, this one time back in ’72 I was playing chicken with this one guy. We raced our bikes across the interstate into oncoming traffic. First one to stop lost. The other dude turned away quickly to avoid hitting a semi-truck. I kept going till I hit a Pinto. I flew off my seat and landed head-first on the asphalt. I proved to that chump I’m not a pussy. Then I…”

It was at this point that our interview subject fell asleep and began to drool on himself. We were hoping to reschedule for a later date, but our calls were ignored. After several weeks of unsuccessfully reaching Mr. Jones, we were informed by one of his associates that he simply forgot to use the phone.

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