Remember in Harry Potter when the two young wizards (or whatever) drove that invisible car to school? That was super sweet. Or, if you’re a fan of Wonder Woman/Gal Gadot, you might be familiar with the superhero’s invisible jet. Not long ago, these innovations seemed like fantasy. Now, one crackpot dealership is claiming that all of their used cars contain his exclusive “invisible car” technology.
Harry Win-User of “Harry’s Used Car Emporium” is currently offering a special deal on all of his used vehicles. If you’ve been seeking a used car in Denver, this might be a deal you’ll want to explore… or it might be an offering that you’d rather avoid.
Mr. Win-User, fresh off a weekend bender in Las Vegas, is claiming that each of his used vehicles are currently equipped with his “invisible car” feature. Essentially, the driver just has to press a small button located next to the steering wheel, and the car will suddenly become invisible. Harry claims he had a “scientific epiphany” during his weekend excursion, and he’s now confident that his technology will revolutionize the industry.
“If you’re like me, you’ve always dreamed of being able to travel without being seen,” Mr. Win-User told The Lemon. “Whether you’re looking to avoid the police or a crazy ex-girlfriend, there’s no denying how useful this technology can be. Now, drivers will have this unique opportunity if they opt for any of my dealership’s used cars.”
How does this technology work? Mr. Win-User promises to provide half-a-pound of peyote whenever a customer purchases one of his vehicles. One suck on the hookah, and suddenly a driver will realize “all of their craziest automotive desires.” This includes driving without being seen, an advantage we’ve all thought of.
“Honestly, I took one puff of peyote, and I suddenly found that all of my used cars were equipped with the technology,” explained Mr. Win-User. “My dealership was closed this weekend, so I didn’t expect anything major to happen. However, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this function has been installed on all of my cars. It was probably Billy’s idea. Good ol’ Billy always has the best ideas.”
Some customers have already embraced the technology. Local homeless animal attorney Hugh Janus, fresh off several failed lawsuits, quickly traveled to Harry’s Used Car Emporium to buy himself a “new” used car. After a couple puffs of peyote, Janus swore by Mr. Win-User’s innovative technology.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Janus enthusiastically explained. “I’ve always wanted my car to be invisible. I was admittedly skeptical about the innovation, but then Harry took me into his back office. After that, I was shown a number of automotive innovations that changed my perspective entirely.”
Of course, some consumers are claiming that the technology doesn’t only not work, but it doesn’t even exist. Mr. Gill Label visited Harry’s Used Car Emporium to see what all the fuss was about. Instead of being greeted with the function, Mr. Label was surprised to learn that the dealership’s vehicles actually didn’t contain the promised feature.
“Mr. Win-User is trying to manipulate his customers with peyote,” Label told The Lemon. “He gets them a bit silly, convinces them that a paper button is an invisible feature, and then has them drive off the lot believing that their vehicle is equipped with the function. In fact, it isn’t.”
I personally traveled to “Harry’s Used Car Emporium” to test out their new function, and it was abundantly clear that the feature did not exist. When asked why the technology wasn’t activating on the tested used car, Mr. Win-User cited the fact that I wasn’t “unlocked” to the ways of the future. He then proceeded to force me into his office to smoke peyote (I refused).
Some other customers have approached Mr. Win-User with complaints regarding the vehicle. One individual claimed that he tried to activate the technology while traveling by a cop, but he was still pulled over. When the individual asked the cop how he was able to see the car, the man was promptly arrested for driving under the influence of marijuana and peyote.
“I don’t know why I should be held liable for someone driving under the influence of marijuana or peyote,” Mr. Win-User said. “We’re not responsible for our customer’s actions. Their inability to use the technology correctly led to their demise. I had nothing to do with it.”
Another individual attempted to use the function, and he promptly crashed into a vehicle in front of him.
“We made it blatantly clear that our vehicles are merely invisible,” Mr. Win-User said. “That means it still maintains its structural integrity. Drivers should not expect to be able to drive through another vehicle. That’s not what the technology is for.”
Local government officials have been looking to shut down the dealership, claiming the technology to be fraudulent. The local police are also investigating the business’s use of drugs, with some local sources claiming that the dealership could be a front for a giant international peyote provider.
For now, the dealership will be allowed to continue advertising their “innovative technology,” although it’s unlikely that the deal will last all that long.
Update (two days after publishing):
Mr. Win-User has been arrested for fraud and drug manufacturing. The salesman claimed his innocence in an exclusive in-jail interview with The Lemon, blaming the entire function on one of his employees, Billy.
“I thought Billy had the best ideas, but I was apparently wrong,” Mr. Win-User said. “I had nothing to do with the invisible technology. In fact, I didn’t even know about it.”
When asked about the blatant use of peyote, the individual claimed his innocence once more.
“That’s on Billy,” he said. “I don’t even know what peyote is.”
An extensive look at Harry’s Used Car Emporium database shows that the dealership is not currently employing an individual with the name Billy, William, or any other variation of that name.
