If you live in the Monmouth County area and thought you saw Pauly D a-la Jersey Shore fame gelling up his hair or perfecting his spray tan inside of a Kia EV6 recently, you probably thought you were hallucinating. But in fact, your eyes told the truth. Rumors have it that Pauly D (also known as DJ Pauly D these days) is living out of his Kia EV6. Rumors also have it that he visited a Kia EV6 dealer in the New Jersey area during the very same weeks of whispers that his home was being foreclosed on. We sent a journalist to the scene to track down Mr. D and get the scoop. We found him spinning tracks outside of a Chick-Fil-A and started chatting.
Pauly D assures fans that he has not fallen on hard times but has decided that he “Cares about the planet’ n stuff––chicks love the planet after all” (his words) and has made the intentional decision to downsize from a home to an eco-friendly Kia EV6. He went on to explain all of the ways the EV6 is just perfect for his lifestyle and brand.
“The available wireless phone charger makes sure my phone is always juiced up, so when the ladies call because they want a piece of the D, I don’t miss a call,” explained Mr. D. We asked him to demonstrate this feature, but he claimed his phone is currently not working. “Because it got wet from when I hooked up on the beach with this girl––definitely not because I’m broke and couldn’t pay my phone bill.”
The onboard power generator is one of D’s favorite features. In fact, he uses it to plug in his industrial strength spray tanning booth, “So I can stay looking tanned and toned all year long.” he exclaimed. Some locals have stated Mr. D has been making extra money by charging local tourists for sessions in the tanning booths, but Mr. D insists these are just rumors and that he doesn’t need money. But if our journalist is interested…it’s $100 for a full-body tan. “Just kidding,” said Mr. D., with some nervous laughter.
“The Meridian premium audio system is just right for setting the mood with the ladies, too,” brags Mr. D. He demonstrated by bumping some of his own recent remixes until someone yelled from an upstairs window, “Turn that shit off, or I’ll double that rent I’m charging you for that parking spot.” Mr. D claimed not to know that person and to “own the parking spot.” However, it was in a private residence driveway.
The heated and ventilated seats of the Kia EV6 are also perfect for getting ladies comfortable for some “one on one time with The D,” said Mr. D. Our journalist asked where Mr. D takes showers, and he explained, “There’s never a shortage of females who happily let me strip down in their bathrooms.” At that point, the same person who yelled about the parking rent threw down a paper airplane our journalist picked up. It was a water bill that Mr. D quickly grabbed and crumpled up.
“This car is truly the best pickup machine,” Mr. D continued. “Hippie chicks always love that the upholstery is made of sustainable materials. And that I’m not ruining the planet with gasoline and whatever.” Our journalist eventually had to cut the interview early as Mr. D needed to move his abode for street cleaning. Since conducting this interview, there have been whispers that Snooki has moved into a Nissan LEAF and is renting the parking spot next to Mr. D’s. More on that as details develop.