Almost as if we were experiencing some sort of extended April Fools Day, many of the news stories appearing this spring have felt like they could have been the creation of some satirical news site. This is nothing new of course, with the better part of the last five years feeling like a comic surrealist mindf*ck. But with the tangibility of fact growing progressively more mind-blowing than even the most open-ended possibilities of fiction, current events have simply become weird; and no person or party is safe from criticism, accusation, or ridicule. So when a number of live auto news headlines overlapped with the volatile world of national politics in a manner too humorous to ignore, we at The Lemon feel obligated to report upon them. After all, the ‘hard to believe’ is sort of our bread & butter.
Buzz surrounding the 2020 Presidential Election has been non-stop since, well, since the announcement of the 2016 victor. Historic-yet-Controversial congressional appointments have added fuel to the fire of political divisiveness and with the country divided between the promise of nostalgic restoration and a desire for continued evolution, we can expect to see a more diverse range of Presidential hopefuls than ever. Beto O’Rourke and Elizabeth Warren might feel a progressive variation of the ‘same old, same old’ but Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, and long-shot Andrew Yang are indicative of the changing face of politics.
But among many Democratic loyalists, there’s still a hint of optimism surrounding the ‘old guard’, specifically when it comes to the possibility of former Vice President Joe Biden throwing his hat in the ring. Outspoken NY Congresswoman (& custodian of mystical Aztec magicks) Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seems to be pushing the millennial vote away from this option, suggesting that it would be a step backward and one can only assume that it has a lot to do with his whiteness, maleness, and uncomfortable relationship with the #metoo movement.
Not sure what we’re talking about? Noting clear discomfort and questionable hand placement, here’s a closer look at some of Biden’s uncomfortable interaction with women and young girls.
As many of us know, the topic of ‘Creepy Uncle Joe’ is really nothing new. In this age of viral media, the visibility (and at least perceived transparency) of politics has never been greater In turn, our elected leaders can be called to answer for anything, and almost everything. And it’s with this in mind that Biden’s touchy-feely antics (be they antiquated or simply unacceptable) make him a troubling candidate for the coveted role of ‘Democratic Bastian of Hope’. This is only emphasized further by the accusations of impropriety levied at Biden by Lucy Flores, Amy Lappos, D.J. Hill, Caitlyn Caruso, Ally Coll, Sofie Karasek, and Vail Kohnert-Yount.
And of course, the internet has had a field day inserting the image of Biden, leaning over awkwardly to sniff someone’s head, into a variety of topical scenarios.
And while Biden acknowledged such concerns in an April 3rd video, communicating his intent to be “more mindful about respecting personal space in the future” we’ve heard that hair-sniffing is a hard habit to break. In fact, olfactory fixation is a complex and deep-seated psychological condition further complicated if the act of appreciating an individual’s scent heightens the dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, or old man boner levels of the ‘sniffer’.
“This is a hard concern to spin” shares Kay Tea-Potter, founder of ‘Wag the Dog’ a D.C. based boutique public relations firm, specializing in political candidates. “That said, we can’t count Mr. Biden out as either a viable candidate or an influential presence (be it for better or worse). This is why we’re working on finding a bipartisan, if not a universally appealing property that he can endorse, serving to unify public perception of Biden in a positive manner.”
According to Tea-Potter, that product might be ‘New Car Smell’ a product which not only appeals to almost 80% of Americans, but repurposes Biden’s olfactory fixation in a positive manner, normalizing his uncontrollable behavior, and making him even more relatable.
“We’re in talks with a few manufacturers at this point,” shares Tea-Potter. “Our only concern is that the chemical compounds present in most ‘new car smell’ formulas have a similar effect to chloroform [made popular in films and television, as a means of rendering someone unconscious] and we feel that might be a dangerous thing to put in the hands of Joe Biden.”
Will Joe Biden put his hat in the ring for 2020, or should we simply expect ‘Uncle Joe’ to appear in life-sized cardboard cutouts in the ‘As Seen on TV’ section of our local Wal-Mart? Only time will tell. We’re just wondering if those cardboard stand-ups will feature him leaning over awkwardly as if to sniff us… Complete with old man boner.
