If you’re anything like us, you’re probably recovering from some sick rager, where you must have drank like seventeen beers and did about 12 shots of Jack. Some chick was all over your junk, but she was like a hard 5 at best, so you hit it, quit it, and met back up with your crew.
Well, Buick is doubling-down on the continued evolution of our society and adjusting their marketing strategy accordingly. Or, to use the vernacular of the North American ‘Bro’, “The dudes did a thing, Broseph. For serious. It’s sick, my dude. Literally…sick.”
So, tell your boys to get a hold of their backward baseball caps, because Buick is making a hard play for both your automotive dollar AND your latent homosexuality.
It all started in 2005 with the Buick LaCrosse. Named after the sport that is, arguably, one of the most aggressive competitive sports for easily impressionable youths, it speaks to both power and virility. But as one might expect, even a tenuous connection to hormone-fueled aggression comes a built in correlation to the darker side of such sports. According to General Motors’ President, Dan Amman, the irony was not lost on Buick’s executive management team.
“We have the utmost respect for all athletes, especially the young scholar-athletes of our middle / high schools, and institutions of higher learning,” asserts Mr. Amman. “But let’s be honest…the jacked up testosterone levels seen in Lacrosse players, feels like ‘overcompensation’, if you know what I mean. Throw in all of the jumping bro-hugs, sideline ass smacking and whatever may (or may not) happen in the showers, and I think it paints a pretty clear picture.”
“But 2018 is all about equal representation. And, on behalf of Buick, we want to assure this underrepresented demographic that we aren’t here to distance our brand from LaCrosse, we’re here to embrace it the connection…in some sort of sweaty, homoerotic embrace.”
“In fact, the Buick lineup will be furthering the correlation in upcoming model years. For crossover enthusiasts, the 2020 Buick Greco-Roman will be a classically-designed SUV, spacious enough for a whole team of hormonally-charged wrestlers. A year later, the compact segment will gain a number of fuel-efficient offerings, courtesy of the 2021 Buick Swim “team” of vehicles. And how could we forget the promise of the 2022 Buick Stank Dick? These are just a few of the vehicles in development, realized by an awful lot of what we call ‘automotive towel-whipping’.”
“And to show that we’re serious about embracing the homoerotic nature of our commitment, Buick is proud to share that we’ve hired internet sensation, Logan Paul, as our brand spokesman. At least, we THINK it’s Logan Paul; maybe it’s Jake. It really doesn’t matter, we’re just focused on positioning our brand for the next generation of drivers, and no-one embodies an ‘I’m not gay, but the dude I’m kissing sure is’ mentality, quite like the Paul brothers.”
Stank Dick, indeed.