I’ve always said the auto industry is a big tent: there’s room for all and something for everyone beneath its wide, striped canvas structure. People challenge me on that from time to time, and I’m always forced to demonstrate exactly what I mean. Sometimes that’s difficult to do, as the auto industry can seem a bit insular. But then something happens, and the latest auto news helps reinforce my worldview like never before.
For example, Kia recently announced a brand-new model: the 2022 Kia Carnival. While it might appear to the casual observer to be a next-generation minivan––Kia calls it a Multi-Purpose Vehicle or MPV, but I refuse to do so––I’m here to tell you exactly what it is: a clown car. You can see it right there in the name. Kia is trying to keep this story under wraps for now, but thanks to my sources in the auto industry, I’ve got the truth for you.
Room for So Many Clowns
If there’s one thing that can be said about a clown car, it’s that it has to have room for clowns and lots of them. As the name suggests, the Kia Carnival can fit approximately one carnival’s worth of clowns inside it. Officially, it has seating for up to seven people standard, though eight-passenger seating is available thanks to a second-row bench seat.
Unofficial testing, however, has shown that when properly configured and packed full, at least 37 clowns can safely and comfortably fit inside the 2022 Kia Carnival. According to one source at Kia that I talked to, however, that number can reach as high as 52 clowns if you’re not worried about comfort and up to 74 clowns if safety isn’t a concern. I was told that at about 79 clowns, there was a major structural breakdown and the resulting carnage was, as my source put it, “a cotton-candy slaughterhouse.”
To really utilize all of this space, a special Bobo Package is available. This includes a horn that honks like an old-fashioned squeeze horn, an A/C button that sprays you in the face with water, and a seemingly endless number of handkerchiefs that can come out of the glove compartment. The Bobo Package also includes oversized brake and accelerator pedals that are a perfect fit for a 27-inch shoe.
Extra Space for Lions, Tigers, and Bears
You might not expect a minivan to have all the space you need inside for wild animals, but the Kia Carnival comes through. You get 145 cu.ft. of interior cargo space behind the front row of the Carnival, which is more than enough room for a pair of well-trained lions. I’ve been told that a tiger with a small hat on its head can comfortably fit into this area, as can a moderately-sized bear in a vest with its unicycle. A special Lion Tamer’s edition is available with removable bars to protect the driver and a leather-trim whip with exclusive Kia badging.
Next-Generation Airbags
Taking a cue from 1990s SNL, the all-new Kia Carnival has finally moved to the next level of safety technology. When deployed, the airbags will not only prevent your face from slamming into the steering wheel or frame of the vehicle but will also provide you with a delicious snack. Soon after deploying, the airbags will fill with tasty, fresh-popped popcorn––simply rip open the airbag and enjoy a warm treat to go along with your concussion. Higher trims will include butter-flavor and other seasoning, with a special Kettle Corn edition coming later next year.
True Best-in-Class Horsepower
You may have heard that the 2022 Kia Carnival will have 290 hp available. That’s pretty good, but it becomes even more attractive when you opt for literal horsepower. The available Barnum trim features 290 horses that will pull your Carnival for you through the streets. Each one is intricately decorated in blue leather harnesses, immaculately rhinestoned to truly showcase the majestic beauty of these noble creatures. Available headpieces with large feathers and diapers for the horses will cost you extra.
If all of this sounds like the vehicle you’ve been waiting for, then slather on your grease paint, strap on your oversized pants and suspenders, and head to your local Kia dealership today. Or, get better taste in vehicles––the choice is yours.
Editor’s Note: We believe the creator of this minivan has confused a “carnival” with a “circus,” based on the fixation on clowns, popcorn, and horses. Some of these things might overlap between the two––but we feel a focus on feather headdresses, half-naked dancers, and street performers would’ve been a better use of their time. Once we started thinking about the half-naked dancers, however, we lost interest in this minivan and assumed that it’s fine. Thank you.
