Here at The Lemon, we look for news in all the places the regular folks at NBC, CNN, Fox, or The Onion don’t. We look towards you, our fans, our followers, our friendly critics for the best stories you have to offer. And just when we thought we’d seen all of the best stories, we got this in the mail yesterday. Honestly, we didn’t even know we had a mailbox. Or a mailman. But here it goes, straight from our favorite fan Frederick Radio.
Hi my friends at the Lemon,
Since the band broke up five years ago, I’d been mostly playing solo gigs around town. It’s actually quite easy. I had a little Chevy Spark that could easily fit my Guild 12-string acoustic and my Fender Strat, as well as a little Fender amp. Sure, there’s no room for a Marshall Stack or a third guitar with a pedal rig, but if you’re flying solo, do you really need to schlep all that crap around? So imagine my surprise when I got a call from my pal Glenn. “Hey, Dude! I spoke to the Glitter Twins, and we’re getting the band back together!” I nearly dropped the phone. I knew there was no way we’d fit the band and all that gear into my little Spark. Then I realized it was a case of finding an SUV with good room and great mileage and started comparing the 2021 Chevy Equinox vs 2021 Ford Escape. But which one to choose?
I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself here, so here’s some background. I hadn’t even thought about those two idiots Larry and Barry Glitter, since the band broke up. It was their idea to form the band in the first place, deciding on the name The International Lethargy Society Glee Club. We all thought it was a stupid name, but they insisted. So we couldn’t get many gigs in town because the name was too long to fit on the marquee. This is why we eventually changed the band name to Sturge, a combination of “surge” and “turd”. We figured it was kind of edgy.
Our music was like a cross between Tommy James & the Shondells and Nine Inch Nails, sort of Industrial Goth Pop with distorted guitars playing a dirge and gorgeous soaring vocal harmonies. Except it really wasn’t our music so much as our sound. You see, Larry Glitter plays lap steel and Barry Glitter is on the electric ukulele. In other words, we were an Industrial Goth Pop band that only plays Hawaiian songs. What else could you expect to play with a lap steel and a ukulele? Like I said, Larry and Barry are a couple of schmucks. Except their dad owns the best club in town, and we really need gigs. So, it’s Don Ho meets the Hollies and Ministry for Sturge!
Glenn’s the drummer, and he’s taken care of since he owns a Chevy Express Van 3500. That’s because he can’t play a gig without at least 30 Pearl drums, a half dozen Zildjian cymbals, and a huge 6-foot gong. Did I mention that Glenn thinks he’s the second coming of John “Bonzo” Bonham? Seriously, we don’t cover a single Zeppelin song, but Glenn still thinks it’s a great idea to drag around that ridiculous gong. Richie used to catch a ride with him, but one time Glenn had to stop short, and that gong decapitated Richie’s prized Fender Precision Bass, not to mention it came within a foot of taking off Richie’s noggin as well! We all chipped in to buy Richie a used Rickenbacker bass, but it’s just not the same for him. He had to go from playing like Jaco to doing more of a McCartney style. It works better for the Hawaiian style, sure, but Richie just hasn’t gotten over it. So he and Ben, our keyboard player, are going to need a ride, along with those stupid Glitter Twins.
Anyway, I sold the Chevy Spark and had been looking for a new ride. I counted out the change in my pocket and realized I’d need a crossover SUV to carry Ben, Richie, the Glitter Twins, and me to the gig, along with my Fender Strat and Vox AC30 amp, Richie’s Rickenbacker and Ampeg amp, and Ben’s Moog, as well as Larry’s lap steel and Barry’s electric ukulele. Fortunately, Glenn was able to find room in his van for Ben’s Hammond B-3 organ and Leslie speaker, so he can get all Keith Emerson on “Tiny Bubbles” while I shred like Tom Morello on “Aloha Oe.”
While I noticed that the 2021 Ford Escape has slightly more trunk space than the Chevy Equinox, the actual passenger interior is roomier on the Chevy. So, I went with the Chevy since Ben can ride shotgun with the Moog on his lap, while Richie and the Glitter Twins can stretch out in the back with the lap steel and electric ukulele on their laps. They call it a lap steel, so it clearly doesn’t belong in the trunk, right? This will allow us all to relax on the drive to the club.
The Chevy Equinox also features the Chevrolet Infotainment 3 system with an awesome six-speaker audio system. The sound just fills the space like a concert hall, especially when I crank it up to 11! Of course, this is actually proving to cause more problems as Ben claims he needs to listen to Bowie to stay calm before a gig, and Richie demands to listen to Rush, while the Glitter Twins always want to listen to the Bay City Rollers just to piss off everyone else. So I just hook my phone up through the Apple CarPlay on the Chevy Infotainment 3 system, hit shuffle, and let those morons fight it out in the backseat every time a song comes on that they hate. At least with all the legroom in the Equinox, I don’t have to worry about getting kicked in the back while I drive!