Longtime readers of THE LEMON are likely to be familiar with the work of Smokey Jazzhands. One of our literary forefathers, Smokey was well-known for his insightful pieces on the more obscure stories to emerge within the automotive industry.
Smokey was a consummate professional, who often kept to himself, diligently crafting the investigative excellence that has become a cornerstone of The Lemon’s enduring success. Because of his relaxed and silent demeanor, staffers would have had no reason to question his well-being. That is until one of our staffers (known for creating song parodies out of our names) improvised an anatomically-driven parody of the ‘Hokey Pokey’ called the ‘Smokey Pokey’. When he approached the end of the first verse, he had expected Smokey to join in by yelling out, “and that’s what it’s all about!”
When there was no answer, co-workers became concerned. Summoning the motivation to stand up and peer over the cubicle walls to check on him, they were surprised to find out that Smokey Jazzhands wasn’t there. Further discussion yielded the revelation that he hadn’t been there for weeks. Heavily rumored that he had fled to Germany, it is suspected that Smokey either (i) was searching for BMW For Sale (ii) had accepted another position, or (iii) had an affectation for lederhosen. As journalists, we prefer not to jump to such hasty conclusions. For that reason, we’re just going to assume that he’s dead, and offer this career retrospective in his honor.
Smokey first captivated Lemon readers with an expose on Nissan’s development of an Animal Safety System (A.S.S.). Inspired by Volvo’s pedestrian airbag, the new technology would ensure animal safety rather than allowing them to be “instantly destroyed, with blood and guts scattered across the pavement”. This piece would cement Smokey’s relationship with one of his regular informants, former Homeless Animal Attorney, Hugh Janus.
Janus would remain a fixture in many of Smokey’s articles, including a startling report on the malfunction of the 2018 Toyota Camry’s Cruise Control. (Editorial Note: It is still debatable whether this was an actual technical error, or simply the vehicle resisting the driver’s choice to listen to the music of Daughtry. As fans of the Camry, we believe it to be the latter, but we’ll have to await the results of the ongoing investigation).
Additional contributions from Smokey would include:
- The role of the 2017 Ford Focus in the demise of the World Jenga Foundation.
- The Jeep community’s decision to bar an amputee’s ability to participate in the ‘Jeep wave’.
- Chevy’s plan to convert Orange Soda to fuel.
- Recommended car accessories for the Zombie Apocalypse.
- Toyota’s role as a pioneer of automotive ‘Safe Space’ (to protect a vehicle’s feelings).
- Maserati being called to task over claims that their offerings were ‘too sexy’.
- Arrest of a man aroused by Chevy’s vibrating Safety Seat.
- The L.A. Clippers intention to sign the 2017 KIA Sportage as a new player.
And who could forget the award-winning story of an Asian man named Hyun, who contended that a major automaker’s name served as proof that they were plotting his death? The automaker? Hyundai
We’re not sure if Smokey Jazzhands is actually dead, but in lieu of flowers, you can make a charitable donation to our weekly beer & taco budget. Just know that if Smokey suddenly shows up, he’s not getting any of our tacos.
