Maserati Shwag

Recently, a Maserati Dealership in NY has taken both heat AND enthusiastic high-fives as a result of their crossover marketing. Heat AND high-fives, you say? Indeed. As many fans of luxury performance vehicles know, it is not uncommon for a vehicle purchase to be accompanied by…schwag.

Perhaps your purchase of a 2015 Porsche 911 earned you a branded keychain or a hat as if to say, “Look at me. I’m kind of a BIG deal…albeit in a TINY little car.”

Maybe buying that 2017 Jaguar XE was worth it since you scored those masculine (yet serial killer-ish) leather racing gloves. One look at those bad boys and people start thinking, “Fast. That’s how I need to run if I’m going to save myself from getting locked in this weirdo’s basement.”

But one rogue Maserati dealership is taking things to a whole new level. Cretino Maserati has built itself upon a foundation of…well…overall douchebaggery. In all fairness to the automaker, we should point out that Cretino is not a certified Maserati dealer. In fact, legal action has been taken by the automaker to prevent the dealership from using ‘Maserati’ in its name.

Maserati’s argument is based primarily on two factors. First, the fact that dealership’s inventory usually consists of no more than three or four cars. And secondly, that none of them are actually Maserati. Needless to say, it’s widely believed that this will be an open-and-shut case.

But even those you can’t get a Maserati from Cretino Maserati, what you can get is just about anything with a Maserati logo emblazoned across it.

As owner and operator Tony ‘The Baloney Poney’ Cretino explains, “Maserati is a lifestyle choice. And a lifestyle is more than just the car that you drive. It’s how you look. It’s the vibe you send out when you walk in a room. Here at Cretino Maserati, we recognize that and want our customers to wield the power of The Trident, without all that the cost.”

“Basically,” explains Attorney Hugh Janus. “Cretino Maserati sells Maserati merchandise. You want a pleather Maserati jacket? No problem. You want Maserati aviator sunglasses. They gotcha covered. Maserati beer koozies? You want an airbrushed Maserati half-shirt with tassel sleeves like the goddamn Ultimate Warrior? Well, he’s probably got that too.”

“I got that, son!” screamed Cretino (who happened to be waiting in our car because he needed a ride to The Cheesecake Factory).

We reached out to Maserati CEO Reid Bigland for a comment. While we were unable to secure a formal reply from Mr. Bigland (who looks a little bit like what John Cena would look like if he ate John Cena) it was only because he may have been preoccupied with his own brand of street justice.

According to bystanders, a muscle-bound man wielding a Trident appeared outside of Cretino Maserati and proceeded to level the entire property with his bare hands. Before the dust settled, and the last of the rubble fell, the mysterious vigilante left…with an entire box of Maserati thongs. We don’t know Reid Bigland personally, but an eyewitness described the vigilante as ‘John Cena if he ate John Cena.”

As for Tony Cretino, well…he’s perfectly happy at The Cheesecake Factory.


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