Several months ago, a devastating crash in Detroit resulted in life-changing injuries to several “women of the night.” In an odd twist of events, Maserati was blamed for the collision… and these allegations means you’ll no longer be able to visit a Maserati dealership in New York…
In an unprecedented move, Maserati has decided to end production on all of their current vehicles and shut down operations entirely. In an exclusive statement acquired by The Lemon, the brand cited the fact that their vehicles are now considered to be “too sexy,” which ultimately resulted in safety concerns for fellow drivers.
“Our sleek exterior designs, opulent interior amenities, and innovative technologies have been universally embraced by our customers,” the statement read. “However, many fellow drivers have had qualms with our products’ sexiness, with some individuals claiming to have been in an accident after having seen one of our vehicles. Following recommendations from the United States government, we have decided to end production and sales in North America.”
Effective immediately, the brand will cease production on all of their products, including the Ghibli, Levante, Quattroporte, GranTurismo, and GranTurismo Convertible. Dealerships around the country have started to shut down, with several sellers being forced to scrap their vehicles for extra money. Predictably, some of the dealership owners aren’t pleased, despite the fact that the brand has promised to pay back the dealerships for all of their wasted inventory.
“The decision makes little sense,” said Joe Smooth, owner of “Smooth-Talking Joe’s Dealership” in Detroit, Michigan. “Our vehicles are merely handsome, not sexy. Drivers aren’t crashing because they’re so enamored by our cars. Rather, they’re crashing because they’re poor drivers who were looking for an excuse. Maserati is not to blame for some bumbling idiot’s mistake.”
Who is that bumbling idiot? A little old lady from Detroit, Michigan.
Dorothy Bluffridge disagrees with Smooth. Bluffridge, a local pimp and grandmother to two young boys, was recently involved in a devastating crash that left four of her girls grossly disfigured. Bluffridge claims that she was simply driving down the road with several of her “employees” when she suddenly drove past a Maserati. Distracted by the cars devastatingly good looks, Bluffridge swerved off the road before colliding with a tree.
“I ain’t no bad driver,” Mrs. Bluffridge told The Lemon. “I was just driving and minding my own business when this Maserati came flying by. Its beauty awe-struck me in a place I haven’t felt for years, and I ended up hitting a tree. I crashed because of the Maserati, though. As I already told you, I ain’t no bad driver.”
Ron Tattle, who was driving behind Mrs. Bluffridge during the incident, rejects the woman’s story.
“I was driving close enough behind Mrs. Bluffridge to see in her rearview mirror,” Tattle explained. “She was putting on makeup, turning her head to talk to the rear passengers. I think she was even eating a meatball sub at one point. I don’t think the Maserati had anything to do with her crash.”
Besides the girls suffering massive injuries, Bluffridge’s car was also completely totaled. Considering the medical bills and monthly payments on a new car, the woman has attempted to find the driver of the other vehicle in the hope that she can hand him a court summons.
“That Maserati driver is responsible for the cost of my new car and the medical bills for my girls,” Bluffridge said. “We must bring that individual to justice right away. I ain’t no bad driver, and it’s all his fault.”
The Detroit police have been “investigating” the claims by Bluffridge, and they’ve released a photo of the Ghibli that the individual was suspected of driving.
Several protests have already popped up across North America. In Chicago, the college-run fan group MAG (“Maseratis are Great”) have been arguing that the government’s recommendation to Maserati was unconstitutional, and participants have also been noting of the injustices that accompany the fact that they now can’t buy their favorite vehicle.
“In twenty years, I swear I was gonna have enough dough to afford a Maserati,” said Sue Perbroke. “Now that reality has been taken away from me. How is that fair?”
On the flip side, the group WONAM (“Women of the Night Against Maserati”) have argued that the car brand should have done more to make their vehicles less dangerous, noting that Maserati’s sexiness directly caused injuries to several of their “best girls.”
“We know sexy, and their cars are damn sexy,” said LeLola Lolanski, the founder and President of WONAM. “In fact, they’re too sexy for the road, and that was confirmed when Ms. Bluffridge crashed her car. That car brand recognized the risks and they blatantly disregarded them as they looked to cash in.”
There is even an underground rebellion. A mysterious online group is currently trying to sneak the country’s existing Maseratis across the southern border into Mexico, where they’ll be moved to South America to live out their days.
Many car enthusiasts are worried that Maserati may follow the path of little-known car brand Schmazerati, which was popular back in the 1950s. Schmazerati was also accused of making their products too “handsome,” and a groundbreaking 1956 lawsuit resulted in the car brand shutting their factory doors. Since that time, Schmazerati has solely made vehicles for the Russian public, and some individuals are afraid that Maserati will come across the same outcome.
“Maserati is an institution,” said Perbroke. “You wouldn’t get rid of Taco Bell or Pepsi. You wouldn’t get ride of Chevy or Ford. You can’t get rid of Maserati.”
As car expert (and former homeless animal attorney) Hugh Janus explained, Maserati could re-brand as a lower-quality car maker.
“All they have to do is replace their stylish amenities with low-quality amenities,” Janus told The Lemon. “Instead of luxury, they’ll be ordinary. I’m not sure what the issue is.”
For now, United States residents better get their last good look at the Maseratis… as these sexy beasts will soon disappear.