Chevy Producing Orange-Fueled Cars

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We recently learned that Britain would be banning the sale of new gasoline and diesel cars by the year 2040. While the government is seemingly assuming that consumers will opt for electric or hybrid cars, Chevy is already working on a different type of engine…and this new innovation could ultimately influence the entire automotive industry. This will be an especially important development, especially if you’re in the market for new or used cars.

Following the news coming out of Britain, the car brand announced that by 2020, all of their vehicles would run on orange soda. This might sound like an odd and unprecedented move, but Chevy has been quick to defend their decision, citing the insight of expert engineers.

“All of Chevy’s engines will soon utilize orange soda in the same way it utilizes regular gasoline,” explained former homeless animal attorney (and current expert engineer) Hugh Janus. “The carbonation in the liquid develops its own unique form of energy, which is needed for the vehicle to operate.”

In fact, Janus provided a useful document that shows how many megajoules per kilogram orange soda can produce. When compared to water, different types of gasoline, and various brands of soda, you’ll find that orange soda ultimately comes out on top.

The vehicles will still rely on an internal combustion engine, and Chevy has even commissioned soda-maker Slice to produce the units. These systems will work similarly to a standard gasoline engine. When orange soda typically combines with air, people expect a flat beverage. However, Slice has found a clever way to push carbon dioxide gas into the combustion engine, keeping the orange soda carbonated. When the beverage and air have had enough time to mix, they’ll promptly ignite a spark from the vehicle’s spark plug, allowing the machine to operate.

“I actually came up with the idea back when I was a homeless animal attorney,” explained Janus. “I was inspired when I saw a man continually burping after having consumed an orange soda. At the same time, another individual’s car had stalled due to the engine running out of gasoline. At the same time, I took a little bit of acid, and voila, the idea was born.

I actually can’t believe that Chevy was so willing to trust my ideas. They’re paying me a whole fifty dollars per day!”

The engine has already been tested in several states, although the unit can only run on Slice orange soda at this point in time. The reason behind the exclusive soda use is the fact that Pepsi, the manufacturer of Slice orange soda, uses a different type of sugar than its competitors. This specific sweetener is better able to catalyze with the oxygen that makes its way into the engine, leading to quicker and more efficient operation.

The use of Slice orange soda has been great news for Sandeep Patel, who owns 6-10 Convenience, Variety, Smoke, and Sub Shop in Los Angeles, California. The store owner exclusively sells Pepsi products, and he’s found that sales of Slice orange soda have increased since Chevy began testing orange-soda-fueled cars.

“This is the best thing that’s happened to my store since we were allowed to sell liquor and tobacco,” Patel said. “My business is now doing so much better than its rival, 5-9 Variety Convenience, Drink, and Pizza Shop.”

Next door to Patel, the 5-9 Variety store has seen their sales tumble. The business owner, Sandeep Kapoor, only sells Coke products, and he now holds a personal grudge against Chevy for its decision to run their engines on solely Slice.

“Slice is a garbage product,” he exclaimed. “No one drinks Slice, that’s why they had to use it for cars. I only have products that customers enjoy, like Sunkist and Fanta Orange. Customers are now stocking up on Slice, preparing for their new Chevy car. Well, I refuse to carry a mediocre orange soda in my store.”

Besides the competition between convenience stores, the orange soda engines have also led to their fair share of problems. Drivers have found that the liquid has leaked into their interior, creating a sticky mess. To help remedy this problem, Chevy has started to include cleaning wipes in their vehicles, assuring that drivers can fix that mess right away.

Predictably, drivers have also found that their Chevy vehicles have the distinct smell of burnt oranges, although many drivers have listed this as a “positive attribute” instead of a negative attribute.

To help kick off the release of their orange-soda fueled vehicles, Chevy is planning on holding their “Orange-Soda Fueled Vehicle Weekend” this December in Burbank, California. The event will feature vendors from around the country, and the cuisine will center around orange-themed foods. Attendants will also have an opportunity to ride behind the wheel of the brand’s new orange-soda fueled vehicles. Finally, failed child actor Kel Mitchell is set to make an appearance.

“People don’t seem to understand that ‘Keenan and Kel’ was fictional,” Mitchell said. “I’m actually not that big of an orange soda fan, but I’m happy to take the money that goes with the appearance.”

Chevy experimented with multiple beverages when they were developing their liquid-fueled cars. Chocolate milk was briefly considered, but it turns out that heated milk can lead to engine failure. The brand played around with additional carbonated products, but none of the tested sodas performed better than orange soda.

“It’s going to revolutionize the industry, not just the brand,” Janus said. “I don’t understand why car companies haven’t come out with this sooner!”

 

UPDATE:

Since the original publishing of this article, Chevy has pulled all of their orange soda-fueled vehicles off the market, and their initiative has been indefinitely halted. The brand cited failing engines, as the sludge generated from the soda compromised all of the vehicle’s mechanics.

“This is an unanticipated issue that is being handled internally,” the brand said. “We will not be commenting again on this matter.”

Mr. Janus has been arrested for misleading the brand. The individual is planning on switching back to his former profession in order to represent himself at trial.

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