According to the Old Testament, the act of purchasing an SUV is not entirely unlike the act of signing on as your buddy’s ‘wingman’. Why? Not because doing so speaks to your reliability or lack of superficial fixation. It’s because doing so inevitably foretells that at the end of the night you’ll be driving an oversized, aesthetically unfulfilling (if not inherently practical) equivalent of a misshaped rubber doorstop. And yet, they keep churning out Buick SUVs, and slapping high-end sounding monikers upon them like an inner-city teen mom. Needless to say, if you like the Encore, Envision or Enclave, you might just be interested in a girl named Endora, Endellion, Enedina, Endelyn or Enjoy.
That said, we’re not here to criticize Buick’s lineup. We’re simply here to explain its appeal in the context of anyone who’s ever woken up regretfully, face-to-face with an aggressively-contoured sloth whose proclivity towards mouth breathing has left you breathing second-hand tuna melts since 2:30AM.
So, there you have it. While The Lemon has no biased opinion regarding Buick’s lineup or any formal position on the burdens of supporting one’s buddy in the attempt to get laid, it’s hard not to appreciate the similarities of the end result. And even if anyone did disagree, the proof is now in the pudding thanks to Murray Kyle.
Murray (age 22) had just begun a new job in the information technology field when a co-worker’s conversation about Tinder hookups forced the young back-end developer to take a long, hard look at his ability to effectively develop one’s back end. (Yes, we’re talking about his proclivity towards ‘butt-stuff’).
It was only after his admission that he enjoyed Serena Williams’ aggressive post-return grunting, that Murray Kyle’s coworkers realized that he was in the need for Amazon-sized ‘strange’. Needless to say, all of his single co-workers were quick to suggest that Murray should be their wingman. After all, most every girl worth picking up has a plain-faced lady-friend whose companionship is fueled by 50-100 lbs of excess weight and a (not entirely unsexual) obsession with Loaded Tater Skins.
So when Murray Kyle’s co-worker (who will remain anonymous) invited him to be his wingman, the arrangement made near-perfect sense. The co-worker would pursue the romantic(?) target of his choice and, if needed, Murray would step up to occupy the amorous needs of any less-desirable friends.
Unfortunately for Kyle, the evening had included a substantial amount of ‘pre-gaming’ or (in layman’s terms) the consumption of alcohol. When his co-worker made his way into to back seat of a 2017 Buick Envision, Kyle’s impaired judgment led him to engage in (what can only be described as ‘simulated’) intercourse with the vehicle’s rear exhaust ports. Whether or not Murray knew it was a vehicle, remains unclear.
“Best I ever had,” said Kyle drunken and post-coitus, mistaking the vehicle for a strong and beautiful woman of color. “I never thought I could love someone this much.” Two hours later, he tested positive for MDMA.
His co-worker (who still wishes to remain anonymous) refused to comment but did seem genuinely appreciative of Kyle’s enthusiasm as a wingman.
(Editorial Note: The Lemon would like to congratulate Murray Kyle on his engagement to plus-size Serena Williams lookalike, Shaquanda “Tay Tay” DaDiamond, and the purchase of his new Buick Enclave. “It’s humbling,” he shared, “to feel so small.” We have yet to break the news to him, that his wife-to-be and new vehicle are one-in-the-same.)