Man Buys Mercedes to Win Back Wife, Loses Family

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A Certificate of Divorce is being signed next to an elderly man and the Mercedes he bought instead of a used Cadillac.

Last week, a recently-divorced man purchased a used Mercedes-Benz in an attempt to win back his wife. Now, the individual is regretting not opting for a used Cadillac, as he’s also at risk of losing the rest of his family.

Randall Cunningham and his wife, Petunia, knew their marriage had been in trouble once their three kids had finally moved out of their house. However, things quickly got worse when Randall’s business suddenly hit bankruptcy, and his crippling depression also had an adverse effect on the couple’s love life. As a result, Petunia moved out of their Portland, Maine house several months ago, and the couple finalized their divorce last month.

In the few months that followed their separation, Petunia began dating a successful (albeit significantly older) businessman from Concord, New Hampshire. While the 55-year-old woman claims that financials had nothing to do with her decision to see the 85-year-old man, the 58-year-old Randall thought differently.

“It was clear that Petunia was looking for a sugar daddy,” Randall said. “Or at least, she was clearly looking for a sugar grandpa. Either way, money seemed to be her top priority, and money also played a role in our marriage dissolving.

“So, I headed down to that new casino in Everett and ended up walking out with around $30,000. That wasn’t enough to purchase a new luxury car, but I was able to buy a used Mercedes-Benz.”

The moment that Randall drove off the dealership lot with his “new” and “luxury” car, he headed over to his former wife’s shared home with the elderly businessman. The timing couldn’t have possibly been better, as Petunia was hosting a dinner for her three adult children.

Randall pulled up the driveway and tooted the horn, and his family quickly came out to greet him. However, their reaction wasn’t what Randall was expecting.

“They were horrified,” the Mercedes-Benz owner told TheLemon. “They were fine with me purchasing a used vehicle, but they couldn’t understand why I’d stoop to the level of being a “Mercedes-Benz” owner. Petunia kept muttering that I “should have purchased a used Cadillac.”

The attendees and host of the dinner party quickly fled to the elderly boyfriend’s opulent mansion, leaving Randall all by himself. The car owner started to knock on the door in an attempt to recite a sonnet that he had written for his former wife.

However, his family was understandably horrified by his car-buying decision, and they promptly called the police. The police also received calls from nearby neighbors who had heard the horrifying screams of Randall’s daughters.

Upon their arrival, the cops talked to every member of the ordeal, and they later arrested and charged Randall with harassment and poor-car-purchasing. The individual may have had a way out of his arrest, but his contract with the dealership necessitated that he must keep the used Mercedes-Benz for at least one calendar year.

“I wish I had just opted for the used Cadillac,” Randall said from his jail cell. “I wouldn’t have as much money, but I’d still have my family.”

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