There are few careers more demanding than being a player in the NFL. Years of practice, countless hours in the weight room, finding a personal chef who won’t air your dirty laundry when you neglect to pay him; it can be a lot on top of the weekly grind of actually playing football. That’s why NFL players are now demanding the league reinstate the tradition of giving the Super Bowl MVP a new Chevy truck in addition to the sterling silver Pete Rozelle trophy. With a new 2022 Chevy Silverado 1500 Limited hitting dealerships just in time for the big game, the injustice is almost too much to bear for some players.
“I didn’t get into football for the money, fame, women, or the chance to endorse a quality product like Subway sandwiches. I do it for the outside chance that if I train hard, study, and keep myself in peak physical condition, I might get the chance to own a $30,000 truck,” says Arizona Cardinal tight end Derek Miller, adding, “Eat fresh!”
Miller, who currently makes $12 million a year as part of a 4-year, $48 million dollar contract with the Cardinals, bemoans the league’s decision to suspend the truck giveaway, which he said had been a driving motivation for himself and many other players in the league. “Every two-a-day summer practice, every December road game in Buffalo, every farty plane ride with a bunch of 300-pound linebackers who only eat beef and creatine powder: all I could think about was that truck,” says Miller, who arrived for the interview in a $90,000 Mercedes-Benz SL 450.
Until the 2014-15 season, the Super Bowl MVP received a brand-new Chevy truck in addition to the weighty silver football. The practice was discontinued after Super Bowl XLIX when New England Patriot Quarterback/sentient haircut Tom Brady gifted the Chevy Colorado to cornerback Malcolm Butler, who made a crucial interception in the game’s closing moments to seal the victory. “I really appreciated the truck, but I’m glad Tom kept the trophy for himself. I think having a football that can’t be deflated will be a good reminder for him,” said Butler in an interview with The Lemon.
Rumors have circulated that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had long considered doing away with the MVP award prior to 2015, with insiders reporting that bestowing awards upon Brady and the Patriots was easily his least favorite part of the job. “He tried to call out sick for Super Bowl LIII in 2018, but he really wanted to meet Maroon 5,” says NFL historian Orin Pemulis. “A lot of people don’t know this, but Roger and Adam Levine have the same tattoo artist.”
For Miller, the end of the truck promotion threw his very professional existence into question. “It was the light at the end of the tunnel, the recognition of the highest possible athletic achievement. Now I hardly care about winning football games anyway. What’s the point? A trip to Disney World? I’ve already been a couple times, and after I got in a fight with Goofy, they made it very clear that I’m not welcome back anyway,” Miller says.
The recent introduction of the 2022 Silverado 1500 Limited was the final straw for Miller, who instantly began to lust after the Chevy’s Duramax 3.0-liter Turbo-Diesel and Multi-Flex tailgate. Upon further questioning, it seems that much of the athlete’s frustration came from a fundamental misunderstanding around automotive marketing techniques.
“I guess I saw ‘Limited’ and assumed that they were just reserved for certain people, like Super Bowl MVPs and that guy Ralph from my gym. Why would they call it Limited if just anyone can buy it? If I knew that, I never would have even pursued football as a career because pan-Slavic ethnomusicology has always been my passion,” he says.
It’s been a tough season for professional athletes of all stripes. Green Bay Packers quarterback and middling commercial actor Aaron Rodgers was put through the wringer by the public last fall when it was discovered that the former league MVP had lied about his vaccination status. While some deride the multimillionaire for his tone-deaf response to the global pandemic, sources say it also hurt his feelings, and he hopes you feel like a real jerk about the whole thing.
The pity party kept rolling into the new year as tennis superstar Novak Djokovic sought a medical exemption for the Covid vaccine in order to compete in the Australian Open, with the 20-Grand-Slam-winner threatening to “take his racquet and go home” if organizers wouldn’t honor his request. The situation reportedly caused so much stress that the world’s top men’s player had to take an extended soak in his Scrooge McDuck-inspired gold coin jacuzzi.