Meet ‘Ford Flex,’ star of his own “super-sexy calendar.”
Hmmm, actually…
Meet Bill Ceryanek (aka ‘Ford Flex’) who, along with his wife Becky (aka ‘Bigg Bexx’) co-star in a 12-month calendar which features them in a number of festive and seasonally themed vignettes, which collectively explore their unique brand of (what may or may not be classified as) sexuality.
But, if you’re one of the three people looking for the 2019 Ford Flex Calendar, you’re about to be sorely disappointed. Prompted by the poor sales of the 2018 edition, publishers from coast-to-coast are refusing further involvement with the self-financed project. The calendar, which the New York Times called, “a confusing portrait of deplorable garbage human vanity” was recently named the lowest-selling calendar of all-time, beating out even MA Senator Elizabeth Warren’s provocative “Lewd & Liberal” centerfold calendar.
But according to the Ceryaneks, the fact that no-one wants to publish the calendar doesn’t mean that they’re going to stop doing what they love. “This opened up whole new doors in our marriage,” explains Becky, a bed-ridden 407-lb former Wal-Mart forklift handler. “Ever since I hurt my lower-back hauling a festival-sized sack of Funyons out of the storm-cellar, I ain’t been able to get around that good. We got us a second-hand futon and set it up in the middle of our living room. I even have me a mini-fridge chock full of Mountain Dew and Fruit-by-the-Foot. But I was worried that Billy just wouldn’t find me sexy anymore.”
“Which is just crazy,” says Bill. “I know that I could have any woman I want, looking like this, but this is the only woman I want. And I want it (claps) all (claps) the (claps) time if you know what I mean!”
(We knew what he meant, and that’s when we had to excuse ourselves for a light vomiting session…)
So it was the Ceryaneks enduring passion for one another that inspired the calendar; a passion so unyielding that society couldn’t even stop it…despite their best efforts.
“When our publisher told us that our money was no good there, we thought it was a compliment,” explains Bill. “Turns out that “Lovin’ with Ford Flex & Big Bexx” is more of an acquired taste, and they weren’t going to help us put out another calendar. Plus, Ford Motor Company had filed a cease and desist order against my continued use of the Ford Flex name.”
“But that ain’t gonna stop us none,” added Becky defiantly. “He just changed his name to Flexx. And with the interwebz, we can pretty much do anything we want, and make it accessible to those who might want to see it. So, if you’re one of them types with a more refined taste in erotica, you can visit www.flexxnbexxdosexx.com and, for $4.95 a month, can enjoy our 24/7 webcam.”
So, you’ve been warned. Whatever you do, DO NOT visit www.flexxnbexxdosexx.com.
We repeat. DO NOT visit www.flexxnbexxdosexx.com. Some things you can’t unsee.
