Opinion: Electricity Is NOT Your Friend!

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An apocalyptic scene is shown after a family looks at a Kia EV9 for sale.

Hey freedom lovers, Pat the Patriot here. I’ve been thinking… We all have to do our part to keep God’s house green—I get that; that’s why I planted a tree last year. But, you know, there’s a limit to what we HAVE to do, and what we should be SUBJECT to.

I visited my sister’s husband’s workplace the other day, to huff that savory fumage while he tooled on cars, and this khaki-clad PISS-ANT came over to me, trying to engage me about a Kia EV9 for sale. I asked him why, in his right mind, would he consider a FOREIGNER AUTOMAKER—and one that FORSOOK the milky brown for DANGEROUS electricity! That damn fool!

But it’s not ENTIRELY his fault. The whole car industry is making more and more electric cars, because the LIEberals are saying we can’t afford to use gasoline anymore. And I’m like, EXCUSE ME? Unlike you, I have a JOB, so I CAN afford to use gas! Crybabies! We’re indulging the ENEMY when we concede to their whining!

“Oh, Patrick,” you say, “they’re not the enemy! They mean well!”

First of all, don’t call me ‘Patrick.’ I’m not a fucking four-eyed fifth-grader with a collared shirt buttoned to the top. Second, “They mean well” is a biased argument also used by the Nazis, and Stalin, and Moose Linguini, and Chairman Moe. You can intend to do a good thing FOR YOURSELVES and SIMULTANEOUSLY do a BAD thing for everyone else! Need I mention THE HOLOCOST??

When I talk about indulging the demon babies, I’m talking mostly about ‘electric vehicles,’ or EV; I could talk about all sorts of things, but I’m right now talking about EV because they won’t publish my articles anymore if I go on what their editor called “unfounded rants.” I am considering starting a podcast for those who want more of my truth; follow me on Yelp—I am always yelping.

If you ask me, “EV” is a little too close to “Eve,” which we all know is God’s first daughter, who bore the first humans with her husband-brother/other-father Adam. Are the Satanist LIEberals trying to retcon the Bible to shoehorn Benjamin Franklin into Genesis? I’ll have you know Genesis is FINE AS IT IS. Peter Gabriel is better as a solo artist, and Phil Collins is the better Genesis frontman. Stop trying to change things further!

When BUMjamin Franklin invented electricity, he did so as an AFFRONT to God—as all Freemasons endeavor to do! Thirty-three degrees of BULL SHIT. The Bilderberg Group and Edison and Calvin Coolidge made electricity power EVERYTHING in the ’20s, and FDR built giant dams to convert our PRECIOUS LIFE-SUSTAINING CLEAN POTABLE WATER FROM OUR MAGNIFICENT DIVINELY-CARVED RIVERS into SIZZLING DEATH MAGIC that lives in your WALLS. How is this OKAY with everyone?? The Department of Homeland Security should be SECURING our HOMES from these filthy hell-spider laser-wires! Ridiculous!

God put dead dinosaurs in the ground because he wanted us to build machines that burp sweet, savory fumage so we can make chest diamonds on the huff. Contradicting this is like saying satellites aren’t alien sonar signal diffraction screens, so don’t even bother. Everyone knows it’s a veil to conceal Earth from being detected by the Luciferian nema-spawn of the Pleiades! ACTUALLY, now that you mention it, [see editor’s note]!

If God wanted us to use grabby fire magic to power our cars, he would’ve made it into a LIQUID so we could pour it into our GAS TANKS. And, OH WAIT, he fucking DID. It’s called OIL and it lives in the SAND, and we dorm-stormed Saddam to get it on the CHEAP because we’re AWESOME and you can’t tell a FREEDOM-LOVING AMERICAN what to do! This country is the only thing that stands between EUROPE and ASIA, and we WILL NOT let it become some socialist parent state that takes orders from people with STUPID accents! Especially LITTLE GIRLS from Swederland or whatever!

You know what? FUCK IT. I’m going to chop my little tree down. It’s my tree, I can do what I want with it. And I want it to be WOOD, because WOOD is the second best fuel next to oil! (If only they could someday condense wood into a liquid form! Then we could put it in our gas tanks, and we’d have UNLIMITED energy! That’s a FREE idea, scientists! Take it and make it happen!)

Editor’s Note: This portion has been redacted in accordance with the agreement made between our publication and the author about a self-imposed limit on irrelevant digressions, which he refused to abide by.

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