Wiccan Chevy Driver Finds Creative Workaround for Seasonal Ritual

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A flaming cow skeleton with a Chevy Logo is shown after searching Chevy Equinox for sale.

Crystal Moon, leader of a Wiccan coven outside Los Angeles, considers herself “in tune” with the passage of time. From dances during the summer solstice to PSL pilgrimages during the autumnal equinox, she always leads her coven in activities that align with the changing seasons. But when it came to the spring equinox this year, she let the group’s annual rejuvenation ritual slip by. Blaming the unusually long rainy season—and something about Virgo not being in line with her memory chakra—she admitted her mistake to her fellow witches and promised to find an alternative to help make things right.

As it happened, the thing that ended up solving her conundrum had already appeared to her years ago when she saw a used Chevy Equinox for sale on Facebook Marketplace and was impressed by its spacious interior and positive aura. Looking at the name badge of the popular SUV in her driveway, she realized there was still a way for the group to perform the ritual “on the equinox” after all.

Of course, there were still logistics to be worked out. For one thing, all 13 members of the coven needed to perform the ritual “on” the Equinox in order to make this spiritual loophole work. Moon considered using the vehicle’s crossbar roof rails to mount some sort of platform, but she ultimately decided that the installation of such a structure would almost certainly void her insurance. In the end, she decided that the coven members would use a step ladder to ascend to the rooftop one by one and perform the ritual separately. If the dripping wax from the candles affected her paint job, then so be it; some risks simply cannot be avoided.

Vehicles aren’t allowed on the narrow footpath to the cliffside where the coven usually performs its spring ritual, but Moon decided that a passable alternative was to have some plants nearby. Thus, the group met and performed their ritual in the parking lot of Descanso Gardens. (The nonprofit botanical garden declined to comment.) Based on witness reports, the Gardens likely did not notice the weird stuff happening in the far corner of their parking lot. Whether this was sheer luck or magical influence is difficult to say.

The coven met at the designated time, adorned in flowing outfits of floral patterns. There has been debate in recent years over whether flower crowns have become too removed from their spiritual roots by Instagram influencers, but the “Who cares?” contingent eventually won out, and the witches were sporting daisies, lilacs, and chrysanthemums on their heads. A few even posted selfies of the ritual to Instagram.

Moon tried to make the best of the situation by explaining that, every model year, the auto industry goes through its own process of renewal, shedding parts and features with bad energy and breathing fresh life into its lineup through the latest features.

“What is driver assistance technology, really,” Moon said, “if not a protective spell cast to keep us and our loved ones safe in the face of danger?”

It was clear that not everyone was buying this interpretation. Many were still annoyed at their leader for missing the date in the first place, but attendants were polite enough and gave a round of snaps and “spirit fingers” at the end of this speech.

As the witches climbed onto the crossover’s roof, to light their candles and speak their rhymes on this April day, this skeptical reporter was overcome by a sense of genuine spirituality. Perhaps we do need to be more in line with the seasons of this moist marble we call home. Maybe the Earth would be a better place if we were all a little more connected. The fact that not a single Wiccan fell off of the SUV added to the sense that something truly miraculous had taken place here.

Before I could get hooked into whatever MLM almost certainly binds this group together, someone in the crowd said, “See, she didn’t fall off the roof because it’s FLAT—just like the Earth! Why don’t Globeheads get this?” and that killed the mood for me right quick.

At the end of the day, I guess this was just a bunch of people in flowery outfits sitting on top of a car. Perhaps we only get the rejuvenation rituals we deserve—and, today, we deserved none.

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