Summer is nearly here, which means that Pride Month is right around the corner and companies are already figuring out the best way to crassly grab at all that woke profit. Few businesses do performative allyship quite like the auto industry, and Ram is leading the pack this time around. According to my sources inside Ram, their head of marketing asked his department, “Everyone goes gay for June; it’s kind of played out. What can we do to go further? How can we become super gay!?”
The answer, apparently, is to change the names of all of their trim levels for the Ram 1500 sold throughout the month of June. This isn’t purely a marketing stunt, as I assumed at first; unique badging is being offered on all Ram 1500 models sold during Pride Month. It’s not optional either; if you buy a Ram 1500 in June, it will have badging inside and out with these new trim names. Let’s take a look at each of them, and Merkus Cloddswump, a marketing executive at Ram who agreed to talk to me for a case of cigarettes and half a bottle of whisky, will explain their thinking behind each of them.
The Ram 1500 Rough Tradesman
For June, the starting “Tradesman” trim will be sold as the “Rough Tradesman,” which seems like low-hanging fruit to me. Merkus explained, “Oh yeah, this one was really easy, just like the fine gentlemen we had in mind when naming it. Me and a couple of the fellas in marketing went downtown looking for a good time, and I found out Louie, our department VP—though DP is more like it—really prefers rough trade when he can find it. I don’t remember too much about that night, but this was written on a cocktail napkin I found in my pocket, so seemed good.”
The Ram 1500 Big, Meaty Horn
Moving up to what’s typically the “Big Horn” trim, we instead have the “Big, Meaty Horn” model of the Ram 1500. I asked Mr. Cloddswump about this one. “Yeah, I mean, there’s only one thing I think about when I hear “big horn,” and it’s not a Ram truck—though ram is definitely involved. So, like, why just settle for a big horn when you can have a big, meaty horn? Am I right? You know I’m right.”
The Ram 1500 Lay-a-Me
Eleven months out of the year, it’s sold as the Ram 1500 Laramie, but for June, it will come with badging indicating that it’s the “Lay-a-Me.” Merkus was nice enough to elaborate on this one: “We used our best ideas with the other ones, but they were also a lot more obvious. Our goal was to let the world know that we sell the gayest trucks on the road, and we think we did a good job of that. Honestly, I don’t remember who suggested this name, and it’s not our best work, but you know how it goes… they can’t all be winners.”
The Ram 1500 Limited Thick Longhorn
Topping this celebration is a truck typically sold as the “Limited Longhorn,” but during June, it’s officially called the “Ram 1500 Limited Thick Longhorn.” I asked Merkus to explain, and he was more than happy to respond, “We thought we’d peaked with the ‘Big, Meaty Horn,’ but sometimes you get surprised by a Thick Longhorn, and who doesn’t love that? We wanted to keep it limited, though, because you really can have too much of a good thing. Anyways, yeah, you know, it’s not enough to find a longhorn, girth is important too, right? So yeah, that’s it.”
In all of my years in automotive journalism, I can assure you that I’ve devoted a great deal of my time to investigating which truck is the gayest. This June, it’s hard to argue that any pickup could be more out and proud than the Ram 1500, especially with this robust lineup of large, powerful options. If you’re looking for a truck made for a true man’s man, then nothing can satisfy your needs quite like a good Ram.
Editor’s Note: Pre-orders for the Thick, Longhorn are already sold out at the dealerships all around us. Please let us know if there’s stock available in your area. We’re just, um, asking for a friend. So don’t say anything to our parents, okay? Thank you.
