Wolfsburg, Germany – Amidst the well-publicized drama surrounding their being the subject of investigation for ‘emissions-cheating’, Volkswagen AG (parent company of the Volkswagen Group) now finds themselves embroiled in yet another high-profile scandal.

This time, the charge is being led by a caucus of anti-violence groups including rogue factions of the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, Futures Without Violence and the National Association of Students Against Violence Everywhere. (Editor’s Note: the organizations listed have no affiliation with, and do not endorse the actions of, the rogue groups being chronicled in this article).

At 7:00 AM CEST, on September 1st 2017, protestors amassed at the Wolfsburg, Germany corporate headquarters of Volkswagen AG. Joined globally by compatriots, the scene was echoed throughout the U.S. and in other countries containing Volkswagen offices. Their motivation? To hold Volkswagen accountable for their role in the worldwide surge of violent activities.

But the question that remains is “why?”

A protester who would only identify themselves as ‘Mel’ offered some insight (and by ‘offered’ we mean ‘screamed’). “Violence is the tool of an oppressor, and it is forced upon us from infancy without our consent! Is that what you want? Your precious social construct? Well, you know what? It starts with micro-aggressions like this! Why is it your business what we’re doing here? You have no right to police us! You can’t police our thoughts! Keep your verbal violence to yourself!”

After approximately eleven minutes of screaming ‘Mel’ redirected her(?) agitation at her(?) iPhone, after noticing that she(?) hadn’t pressed record on her(?) live-streaming video app. This gave us an opportunity to review the footage and, with the help of an SJW (Social Justice Warrior) glossary, determine the root cause of the protest. We offer the following for our readers, (and for the benefit of any of Mel’s social media followers that ‘missed out’).

Apparently, these groups have taken issue with Volkswagen, for their decades-long failure to put an end to ‘Punch-Buggy’. Yes, Punch-Buggy: the childhood game played by families and siblings, especially as a means of retaining sanity on long car rides. If you’re unfamiliar, the game consists of a competition to be the first to spot a Volkswagen Beetle. The first to do so, must punch the upper arm of their opponent, and yell out “Punch-Buggy!” followed by the color of the vehicle. For example, if you were to see a blue Volkswagen Beetle, you would punch the person next to you and yell, “Punch-Buggy Blue!”

(Note: Courtesy of the SJW Glossary, I should point out that what I just did is called ‘mansplaining’, or ‘condesplaining’. Or if you’re disabled ‘ablesplaining’. Or if you’re a different age than me, ‘agesplaining’. I’m no expert, but judging by this glossary, I may also guilty of ‘cisplaining’, ‘heterosplaining, ’econosplaining’, ‘NTsplaining’, ‘privsplaining’, ‘sizesplaining’, ‘thinsplaining’ and ‘whitesplaining’. I’m also supposed to apologize…I guess)

Regardless, the groups have united under the claim that Volkswagen possessed a moral responsibility to speak up against this childhood game. Widely-believed to be harmless, the protestors contend that the game has reinforced both violence and privilege across multiple generations of American families. The perceived result is a society built upon violent oppression by the privileged.

But even if this were true, why would Volkswagen have any responsibility to address such a game, or any liability for the result? While journalistic integrity would suggest that we interview more of the protestors, we really didn’t feel like getting yelled at anymore. So, we just decided to hang around, and try to figure things out based on what the protestors’ signs said, and whatever they were yelling.

From doing so, we were able to glean the suggestion that ‘by not publicly choosing a side, Volkswagen was choosing to side with the oppressor by default’. It also suggests that ‘the oppressor’ would be defined as anyone who ever hit another person’s upper arm while yelling, “Punch-Buggy”. This clarifies the position held by the protestors. We now understand their contention that Volkswagen’s failure to speak out against the game makes them directly responsible for any pain suffered by the victims, as well as any violent tendencies that developed in the oppressors.

We don’t agree, but we’re pretty sure that we sort of understand. It’s just so hard with all of the yelling…and the crazy, pretend words…and never knowing the right pronoun to use.

In response to the protestors, Volkswagen CEO Matthias Muller issued the following statement, “Vat zee f*ck? Zees iz absurd. Total f*cking bull-sheet. Go home.”

According to reports worldwide, this statement resulted in a reaction that no-one could have anticipated. While most expected a surge of reactionary rioting and violence, the true nature of the group’s hive mentality was revealed when they began to weep in unison. The tear would evolve further into a worldwide ‘ugly cry’. According to eyewitness accounts, the scene would become overwhelmingly hard to look at.

With many of the protestors having traveled miles, across counties states and countries to attend these protests they found themselves in a complete absence of a ‘safe space’. Ill-prepared, they were uncertain of how to react to stern and unforgiving criticism of (quote) ‘that mean, German man.”

Upon learning via social media that he had been dubbed #thatmeangermanman, Mr. Muller issued the following response from Volkswagen’s official social media department: #dontlabelme.

This further confused the protestors, as they realized (by their own definition) they had become the oppressor, enforcing their own labels upon an unrelated party. In a shocking turn of events, this dramatic realization created a large-scale reaction, disrupting the flow of the hive-mind, and short-circuiting the major brain function of thousands of protestors worldwide. Within minutes, each of them had turned to dust, retaining their human forms only until a stiff breeze scattered them to the wind.

We spoke to Dr. Jenn De Binaree, an expert in millennial psychology (and coincidentally, the owner of a 2017 Volkswagen Passat). “This,” she began,”might just be the single weirdest day in the history of humanity. I feel like I’m tripping balls right now.”

To honor the memory of the tragic events, Volkswagen has announced that they will be reissuing the Volkswagen Beetle in a new SJW trim level. Most people seem afraid to ask if this meant as a genuine tribute or some sort of joke.

We, for the record, think it’s kind of hilarious, either way.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here