TACOMA, WA – This is a PSA published on behalf of your local Tacoma Volkswagen dealer. Please be advised that the views expressed herein do not reflect the opinions or values held by this esteemed, completely, super serious, ultra-trusted news organization. You have been warned.
Dear Fellow Tacoma Residents,
We urge you, upon pain of death, to oppose the coming vote on Tacoma World. “What is Tacoma World?” you may be wondering. “I’ve never heard of it.”
Well, Tacoma World is an attempt by the Toyota Motor Company to put all other dealerships out of business! Their plan, as it stands now before the city council, is to pay a very, VERY, large sum of money to Tacoma to build a theme park based around the Tacoma. The truck, not the city.
What does this mean for your fellow dealerships not selling Tacoma’s?
Ruin, that’s what.
They think they can just waltz in here and buy us all off so that they can hold a monopoly on the city whose name they stole for their truck?! We don’t think so!
We’re urging you now, as fellow citizens and fellow dealerships, to please oppose this heinous attempt at self-promotion perpetuated by a multinational conglomerate. The city council is attempting to pass this deal without any public approval whatsoever. And we know why!
They’ve paid off the local journalists! They’ve paid off the local construction unions! They’ve paid off the dock workers! They’ve paid off everyone! Everyone except us here at Tacoma VW. Now, would we have taken a bribe if pressured? Possibly, but they never offered.
That’s why we’re writing this notice! If you haven’t been paid off by the city of Tacoma with the money they received from Tacoma shipments to Tacoma, then we want your support!
Sure, this theme park would bring construction, shipping, and retail jobs to our city. Sure, there is general goodwill towards the Toyota Motor Company for their long-lasting vehicles and charitable work. Sure, the Tacoma was inspired by our city and deserves a bit of a spotlight. But not over the graves of fellow dealerships!
Should the resolution to greenlight the construction of Tacoma World be passed, we could see a wave of Tacoma buyers, the likes of which we’ve never seen. People will come from near and far to buy this popular truck. And boy, will they buy them!
We’ve also heard rumors that they’re planning to give away a free Tacoma for every one person who survives the Top Gear themed “Can We Destroy Your Tacoma” ride. This ride, from what our insider sources indicate, will include almost all the destruction tests from that famous television broadcast. This includes: driving it down concrete stairs, crashing into stone walls, crashing into trees, drowning it in Puget Sound, driving it through a building, dropping a small camper on it, smacking it with a wrecking ball, lighting it on fire, setting it atop a 23-story building scheduled for demolition … and letting it drop, all while you sit behind the steering wheel. And, if you survive, you get the truck for free!
Does this sound remotely appealing to you?
If it does, then there’s no hope for you.
So we are appealing to your better nature. If you want to see your local new and used car dealerships survive, where we try to squeeze every last cent out of you to buy a car that will depreciate 90% the moment you drive it off the lot and never have the specific car you’re looking for, then please, by all that is good and holy, oppose Tacoma World! It’s bad for us and bad for the city, but mostly bad for us.
So, if you see a city councilor driving around in one of their new Toyota fleet vehicles, be sure to egg them or protest them in any way you can that will intimidate, scare, and coerce this duly elected government to oppose a new business opportunity.
We here at Tacoma VW would really appreciate it. And, if you send us photos of the intimidated councilor, we’ll give you 5% off a Passat! Thanks.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Tacoma VW Dealer