In this era of pursuant equality, political disparity and never-ending coverage of ‘He Said / She Said’ hearings related to sexual impropriety the world has never felt so divided. Fortunately, the majority of us have the daily opportunity to set aside our ‘big picture cynicism’ and focus on the strength, loyalty and support offered by our own personal relationships. From familial relationships, to friendships and partnerships both romantic and domestic, our support systems have never felt more important. And, in a perfect world, nothing should be able to threaten the sanctity of those relationships. Unfortunately, we all know that’s far from reality. Every day, these emotional cornerstones in our lives are under fire. From the outside pressures brought on by social media, to simple growth apart from one another (subtly heralded by a woman’s drastic change in hairstyle, or a man’s purchase of a new high-end vehicle) all relationships must eventually face off against the encroachment of entropy. Unless (and hear me out on this, guys) you score yourself a used Cadillac.
Now, we know what you might be thinking…a Caddy? Why not something kickass like a Hellcat? Or badass like a Raptor? Adventurous like a lifted, trail-rated Jeep? Or exotic like a Giulia Quadrifoglio? Allow me to explain in ten syllables, or less…
You. Should. Not. Be. Try-ing. To. Get. Laid. (Well, at least not if you’re already in a relationship)
You see, even if you have no malicious intent, and are buying a vehicle based solely on a personal affection for that particular make or model, there is a high likelihood that your decision will be misinterpreted as some sort of ‘midlife’ or ‘identity crisis’. Why? Because we live in an insecure and untrusting society, plagued with anxieties and self-doubting jealousy. Just think for a moment about the “I wonder what he’s thinking about” memes.
At the end of the day, you’re probably not doing anything wrong. And you deserve the chance to own the aspirational vehicle of your dreams. The key is the ability to choose one that isn’t designed to extend one’s penis.
(That’s right, mom…I typed penis. At my job. BOOM!)
(P.S. Mom…why are you even reading this article? You and Dad got divorced YEARS ago…)
Bottom-line, a Caddy strikes that perfect balance between “Look at us, we’re an opulent family!” and “Look, I’m not wearing any pants!”. And it’s not like you’re sacrificing your machismo by choosing a used Cadillac. Getting behind the wheel of an ATS or CTS-V sedan, and you could be wrangling up to 640hp, supercharged and capable of a 3.7-second sprint from 0-60mph.
To quote Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana, “mix it all together and you know you’ve got the best of both worlds”. And like that iconic Disney program of yesteryear, a Caddy represents something safe and family-friendly, ready to reinforce your values. Unless of course, it starts dressing itself in vinyl and corn-rows, simulating masturbation with a foam finger.