Dear reader, I’m going to start by pulling off the adhesive medical strip real quick: the world is ending, and we’re all doomed. I can’t say for sure if it will be due to increasing worldwide temperatures and melting icebergs or because drag queens are reading to school children, but something will definitely be the tipping point that sends our comfortable, modern society spiraling into a flaming trash heap. When that happens – and it’ll be soon – you need to be prepared for it.
Preparation isn’t all just getting canned food and digging a bunker in your backyard – if you’re just starting your bunker now, then it’s too late for you anyways. No, if you really want to be prepared, then you need to head to an SUV dealer near you and buy yourself a big ol’ SUV to get ready for the coming apocalypse. Once the roads are covered by the freshly gnawed-upon corpses of our neighbors, you need a car that can get you to church on Sunday and plow through the fiery remains of half-empty school buses on your way back home.
You need to turn your SUV into a weapon.
Trick #1: More Spikes and Blades = More Better
Right now, your SUV is a fantastic blunt weapon – it weighs somewhere between one and three tons, depending on whether you have a compact, midsize, or full-size SUV. Once you get that bad boy revved up to 40 or 50 mph, you’ve essentially got yourself a battering ram with a steering wheel, and that’s exactly what God intended for you when he birthed this great nation. But there’s one problem: blunt damage can only do so much (ask any nerd who plays video games or tabletop RPGs).
What you need is cutting power and slashing damage that can rend flesh and tear through metal. You want your car to be able to slice through your enemies like a shining can opener peeling open the lid of a can of tuna. This is why you need to attach as many blades and spikes to your vehicle as possible. Start by covering key points and areas: you’ll want spikes on the front end, with blades along the sides, if anyone tries to approach you. Once you have these handled, just add more blades and spikes anywhere you want – the more, the betterer.
Trick #2: Know Your Weak Points
Once you’ve turned your SUV into pure death on wheels, then you want to boost its defense a bit; they say the best offense is a good defense. If you ask me, the best offense is destroying your enemies before they have a chance to test your defense – but still not a bad idea to buff up your fortifications just in case. The good news is that the people who made your SUV already had this in mind and built it to withstand a fair amount of abuse while keeping you safe.
Still, if you can, try to swap out the windshield and side windows for some shatter-proof glass. Bulletproof would be great, but it can be hard to find, so just do your best. Also, make sure you have some run-flat tires on your vehicle; they don’t feel great on the road, but you’ll be happy to have them when some scumbag tries to blow out your tires and abduct your women to sell them at the chattel market they set up at your local pizza joint. Trust me!
Trick #3: Projectile Weapons Are Your Friend
Now that you’re set up for anyone you can slam into or who stupidly tries to approach you, you’ll want to have a few things ready for people who are further away. Personally, I have a simple sling system installed under the hood of my SUV that can fire 12-inch circular saw blades at about 20 mph – it’s perfect for traffic jams, approaching undesirables, and for anyone who parks too close to the front of my car. You should also look into being able to either spray oil from the back of your SUV or drop caltrops behind you – both are great options.
A side-mounted machine gun would certainly come in handy, but just remember that we’ll reach a point where you’ll want to conserve or ration your ammunition. I’d recommend a side-mounted crossbow instead – go for something large that can fire bolts of three-foot length or greater. They’re easy to use, and making your own bolts will give you something to do between heating up the stew you made from that group of young men and women you found on that school bus and reading Bible verses to remind yourself why you’re undertaking all of your good works.
Editor’s Note: Having followed these three tricks, we can verify that the writer’s advice is absolutely on point, and the results are excellent. We’ve been quite pleased with our side-mounted crossbows, which are surprisingly accurate and great fun for the kids on long road trips. Thank you.