Survey Says: Subaru Drivers Are Truly the Worst

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A person is shown holding a clipboard while standing near a damaged car.

Auto insurance companies are blood-sucking monsters, hungry for our hard-earned cash while refusing to ever pay for damages. That being said, even a monster can be helpful every now and again. The Count helped us all learn how to wear a cape, while my man Cookie Monster taught me that it’s best to never share or swallow cookies. Even the auto insurance industry can provide us, the driving public, with useful information every now and again. This is precisely what has recently happened, with Insurify releasing a list of the ten car models involved in the most accidents in 2023 so far.

What’s an Insurify?

Before going any further, let’s take a moment to discuss the source of this information. Insurify is “America’s highest-rated insurance comparison site,” according to them, and why would they ever lie? In other words, they’re a group of insurance agents that compare insurance rates to provide quotes for customers, and they make a commission when people buy a policy through their website. They also apparently write about cars with a focus on auto insurance and how those things are related.

In this instance, they collected information on motor vehicle collisions so far this year from a database of millions of car insurance applications. Using this information, they were able to figure out the average rate at which drivers in the US, in general, are involved in at-fault collisions, along with what vehicles were driven in those crashes. The result is a list of those vehicles that have been involved in crashes the most this year based on that info.

10 Cars to Just Goddamn Avoid

So let’s look at which vehicles were in the top ten when it comes to being involved in crashes. Note that Insurify found that 7.6% of drivers in the US have been involved in at least one at-fault crash in the last seven years. Based on this average, they then compiled this list of cars based on the percentage of drivers of these vehicles with at-fault collisions:

  1. Audi S4: 11.7%
  2. Scion iA: 11.5%
  3. Chevy Volt: 11.0%
  4. Hyundai Veloster N: 10.9%
  5. Toyota GR 86: 10.8%
  6. Subaru WRX: 10.7%
  7. Subaru XV Crosstrek: 10.5%
  8. Chevy Silverado: 10.4%
  9. Kia Niro: 10.4%
  10. Subaru Impreza: 10.3%

Okay, so first of all, what the hell is going on with Subaru drivers? A full three out of the ten vehicles listed are Subaru models. The Toyota GR 86 is built by Subaru along with the BRZ, so technically that’s four Subarus out of ten on this list. This seems wildly out of proportion for overall vehicles on the road, especially since Subaru prides itself on its superior Symmetrical All-Wheel Drive traction. Chevy tries to keep up with two offerings, including the only truck on the list, but there seem to be some serious thrillseekers amongst Subaru drivers. Clearly they’ve been playing too many Dirt Rally games, or are trying to be Travis Pastrana or Ken Block with absolutely none of their skills or talent. If your buddy offers to give you a ride and you notice he’s driving a Subaru, just walk home instead!

That being said, the real winner (?) here is the Audi S4, which is involved in collisions at a rate 54% higher than the national average. Are Audi S4 drivers trying to get into crashes? Does buying an Audi make you rethink your life and come to the conclusion that you’ve made so many mistakes it’s just not worth going on? I don’t know, but if you see an Audi S4 on the road anywhere near you, get the hell out of there and let someone else take the hit.

Other Interesting Information

From looking at these statistics, Insurify also noted that when it came to the least collision-prone vehicles, three out of the top five were Volvo models. Just 0.9% of Volvo V70 drivers reported an at-fault collision, so if you’re near a Volvo on the road, you should be safe. They also noted that Audi S4 drivers made the list for getting the most speeding tickets, though they placed sixth in that one, rather than claiming the top spot. I wonder if there’s some kind of relationship between driving exceedingly fast in a vehicle that makes you feel like you’re better than other people, and slamming that vehicle into another person because you’re too stupid to drive safely? The world may never know.

Editor’s Note: As always, this writer has outdone himself in crawling through the vast wilderness of information on the Internet to bring you a smorgasbord crammed with an abundance of delicious morsels of knowledge. He clearly deserves to be provided with three weeks of extra paid vacation, along with a company car—preferably a Subaru—and substantial amounts of alcohol. Well done, you paragon of human virtue, well done.

Manager’s Note: I’ve spoken to the editors and none of them admit to adding that note, which makes me wonder where it actually came from. Surely the writer would not add it himself under the guise of it coming from our editing staff. That would be nefarious indeed! Please ignore the aforementioned Editor’s Note, which I don’t feel like deleting. Thank you.

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