Disclaimer: I’m not saying you HAVE to be high to do this (but it helps).
At some point, or another, most of us have passed a minute or two of our lives performing a certain simple exercise. Repeating a word, even the simplest of words, over and over again until it no longer makes any sense. No seriously, pick a word…any word…no matter how familiar.
Hell, go ahead and try your name (we’ll wait).
The fact: there’s science behind this. It happens because our brains define words, and assign their significance based on the context in which they’re used. When a single word is repeated in quick succession, it is robbed of any context. Without context, our brains deem the word meaningless and it begins to sound like gibberish to us.
There. That’s a thing you know, now.
Is there a point to this?
Who knows (we’re a little high). But it all stems from an earlier conversation that was had while comparing the 2017 Honda Accord vs 2017 Toyota Camry. That conversation went a little something like this:
‘Where do they get these f*cking names?’
‘I don’t know, brah.’
Okay, it was a relatively short conversation, but it really gets your wheels spinning once you start thinking about it. In fact, I can think of countless names chosen by automakers that sound a bit like gibberish, simply because I don’t have any context.
Luckily, We Have Google
Whereas our younger selves may have been forced to endlessly ponder the motivation behind vehicle names, we can put our minds at ease with the swipe of a finger. Sure, there’s little question as to why Honda executives in the 70’s opted for ‘Accord’. A quick Google search shows that it was intended to reflect “Honda’s desire for accord and harmony between people, society and the automobile.”
Okay. But, what about the Camry? What the f*ck is a Camry? Well, I look and up and learn that it is derivative of the Japanese word kanmuri, meaning that it translates loosely to ‘crown’.
Okay. But what if we couldn’t look these up? How would we know that we weren’t driving around in a Honda ‘Throbbing Erection’ or a Toyota ‘Man-Hater’? We’re just taking someone’s word for it, like when young Americans were getting tattooed with random Asian words.
“Oh, it means ‘water’…”
“Are you sure? Because it could mean, ‘Beef Stroganoff’…”
Which Gets Me To Thinking
Why weren’t automakers more ambitious with car names before the internet came along and spoiled the fun? Seriously, do these men and women have no sense of humor? We could have been naming cars all kinds of crazy things and it would have been like some kind of ridiculous sleepover prank played around the world.
So, inspired by a combination of actual words, regional slang, and pop culture references let’s explore a list of 25 Non-Existent Vehicles (and their ideal customer base).
Ideal for…someone who doesn’t want to drive just ANY Audi.
Ideal for…someone who spends the morning shitting their brains out, after drinking 8 beers the night before (predominantly men over the age of 35 who can’t hang anymore, and proceed to hit Wendy’s late night drive-though on the way home).
Ideal for…anyone who wants a fun (yet inconspicuous) vehicle that they can get delivered to their home, subtly, in a plain brown wrapper.
Ideal for…Billy Joel, or for anyone who is trading in their Chevy.
Ideal for…those who have no fucks left to give.
Ideal for…anyone who can handle a car with unpredictable discharge.
Ideal for…anyone who has ever downloaded, knowingly played, or requested the song ’We Dem Boyz’. The DoucheCanoe is proving a popular new vehicle for anyone trading in a Dodge DudeBro.
Ideal for…anyone who has something to say about whatever car you’re currently driving.
Ideal for…unrequited love (especially for men who can’t ‘close the deal’ simply because…well…what girl in her right mind wants to nail a guy in a Fiat???)
Ideal for…douchebags. Even worse, douchebags with friends who are douchebags.
Ideal for…well, anyone who actually wants to buy a GMC.
Ideal for…Lady Crossfitters. Ample cabin space so that you can keep your hands away from their mouths.
Ideal for…unoriginal and easily influenced followers.
(By the way have you ‘Liked’ The Lemon on Facebook?)
Infiniti Bitty Titty Committee
Ideal for…driving on flatlands.
Ideal for…anyone who’s just fine doing their own thing, knowing that it’s better than driving around in a Ford F.O.M.O.
Ideal for…lady offroaders who require no added suspension, because there’s already plenty of cushion.
Ideal for…super-motivated multi-taskers who know to clear their browser history.
Ideal for…people whose car you like, and who you are desperate to have like yours too.
Ideal for…first time car-buyers, still living at home to pay off student loans, because their job at Chipotle doesn’t have the upward mobility that they had expected.
Ideal for…wait. You probably don’t know what mansplaining is? It’s when…
Ideal for…your Mom.
Ideal for…anyone who needs a truck that’s never gonna give them up, and never gonna let them down.
Ideal for…that bitch. Yeah, THAT bitch. You know the one.
Ideal for….couples. Obnoxiously co-dependent couples should consider the OTP trim, which replaces traditional bucket seats with a conjoined bench seat. Added features include a complimentary joint Facebook account, and plenty of small storage space for the man’s testicles.
Ideal for…anyone who wants a more sustainable vehicle than the Hyundai Lemming.
Ideal for…anyone who’s unsure what offends them more: the Tesla Snowflake, or that they can’t afford one. Find your safe space, kids. Find your safe space.
Ideal for…anyone peddling internet conspiracy theories.
Ideal for…anyone who appreciates hipster slang for genitals.
Think of this the next time you’re looking at new vehicles. Does the name make sense? If not, look it up! Because you might love your new car, but who knows who else might be pointing and laughing at you.