Like many Americans, Frank Topomi suddenly found himself in need of a new vehicle. Unfortunately for Frank, it was just days away from his wedding to (then) girlfriend Theresa Kumon. With dozens of friends and family members due to arrive, and fine-tuning required for the rehearsal dinner, car shopping was the last burden that either of them wanted to take on. But with places to go and (rather important) things to do, the Kumon-Topomi household was about to make a very costly investment.

“Originally, I found myself comparing the 2017 Toyota Highlander vs 2017 Honda Pilot,” Frank shared with us. “Both offered some great features and would be perfect for a family, which Theresa is very eager to start. For that reason she was immediately on-board, but then I remembered something…I’m a complete pussy.”

The reason Frank Topomi needed a new car so urgently was because he lost his in a street race. According to sources close to Topomi, he felt compelled to race like the ‘Fast and the Furious’ movie franchise…a bizarre statement considering that Mr. Topomi had never actually seen any of the blockbuster films, had no background in competitive racing or mechanics, and drove a car that was neither fast nor furious.

“That’s Frank, though,” offered Mrs. Kumon-Topomi. “ He’s always been more ‘Gradual & Even-keeled’ than ‘Fast & Furious.’ But then he became fixated on Vin Diesel.

“Not ‘cool’ Vin Diesel,” she adds (although our research team has been unable to confirm what ‘cool Vin Diesel’ is). “It started off with ‘The Pacifier,’ which he only watched due to his love of ‘The Sound of Music,’ but ended up calling it, ‘The Single Greatest Film Ever Made.’

For those who may not be aware, the impotence-inducing film stars Diesel as Elite Navy SEAL Shane Wolf who (according to the film’s published synopsis) ‘can handle just about anything thrown his way, but even the best have their limits. When he fails…blah, blah, blah…has a shot at redemption by being assigned to protect Plummer’s five children, including rebellious Zoe, Seth, and cling Lulu. More than a handful, these kids – and their pet duck – are pushing this seasoned warrior to the edge.’

“Frank just loves ducks,” Mrs. Kumon-Topomi added randomly (and bizarrely).

“I do,” added her husband (in an equally disconcerting tone) before breaking into an awkward 27-second pause where the couple just stared at each other, mouthing what appeared to be quacking noises. “Much to my disappointment, I’ve also been battling male pattern baldness. So my wife said, why don’t you shave your head, like Vin Diesel. Unsure about making such a drastic change to my appearance, I mentioned it a co-worker of mine to get her thoughts.”

That co-worker was Urethra Payne. We found Ms. Payne, where she is currently admitted to St. Drogo Hospital awaiting what she referred to as a ‘back-fat-ectomy.’ Asking her about Mr. Tupomi’s sudden desire to emulate Vin Diesel, she became clearly agitated. “He got all weird-like about it. Aint nobody kerrrrs if you shave your lumpy-ass head. Aint nobody got time for that shit. But I’ll tell you one thing. He ain’ no Vin Diesel, that’s for damn sure. Mmm Hmmm.”

Apparently, this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Tupomi had been exhausted, working overtime to earn more money for the couple’s planned honeymoon (in ‘exotic Bethesda, MD’).

“Theresa’s always wanted to go there,“ said Tupomi, possibly in response to our confused expression when he revealed their destination.

“It’s a dream come true,” she added.

So, Mr.Tupomi left work late that evening in his 1989 Geo Metro, which he describes as ‘a classic.’ Pulling up to a dark intersection approximately three miles before the on-ramp to the highway, he recounts the events that followed.

“I was in the center-lane of a three-lane street, and not in the nicest part of the city. Suddenly, there’s a vehicle on my left and a vehicle on my right. On my left, were two very threatening Asian youths. On the right, was an equally angry looking Spanish gentlemen.”

According to the police report, the aforementioned ‘threatening Asian youths’ were 14-year old Jeff Tsu and 15-year old Randy Ho, riding a poorly-modded 97 Mitsubishi Gallant with groundFX. To his right was 73-year old Latino-American character actor, Danny Trejo (best known as ‘Machete’) seated inexplicably in a motorcycle sidecar, albeit one that was clearly unattached to any kind of motorcycle…or discernible engine.

“While I tried not to make eye contact, they began to yell at me. Challenging me. Calling me names. I don’t know, maybe it was the stress of wedding-planning, or Urethra’s insistence that I’m nothin’ like Vin Diesel, but sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!”

The police report goes on to state that Topomi accepted their challenge of a street race, with the winner receiving the title for the loser’s car. The inclusion of Danny Trejo in the police report is confusing, as he wasn’t even participating in the street race. But even more confusing is that, accordingly to all evidence and witnesses, Mr. Trejo won the race, piloting an engine-less motorcycle sidecar.

“It was a very confusing time,” said Randy Ho. “By all accounts, the Geo Metro should have been the loser. I mean it has what, a 1.0-liter engine and 47 horsepower?”

Inquiring as to why they lost, Jeff Tsu simply shook his head adding, “We don’t even have our licenses. And we weren’t challenging him, we were singing along to (Japanse Metal Band) Sex Machineguns.”

So, the street race ended with two confused Asian metal-heads walking home, a vehicle-less groom-to-be, and Danny Trejo for the win.

A bizarre story for sure, but even more confusing is that Mr. Topomi endured a several small injuries, including a cut on his head that required a single stitch.

“Racing is dangerous,” he told us. “Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to shave my head with this scar.”

“I like the scar,” Mrs. Kumon-Topomi told her husband. “It makes you look like a badboy.”

And in true badboy fashion, the groom settled on a Mitsubishi Mirage. Wrangling 78 horses and a top speed of 79 mph, the happy couple expects to arrive in Bethesda, MD in approximately three weeks.


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