We’ve seen vehicles that include concierge services, automatic crash response systems, and even autonomous driving. Now, Toyota is revolutionizing the industry by engineering trucks that have “feelings.”
In a set of documents that were exclusively acquired by The Lemon, it was revealed that several upcoming Toyota trucks will include the brand’s unique “Emotional Feeling” functions. After years of seeing customers abuse their vehicles and take them for granted, Toyota is now looking to put the vehicle back in “the driver’s seat.”
“Our brand’s customers are some of the most committed in the entire industry,” Toyota said in the statement. “However, like any car owners, we found that these individuals weren’t taking the best car of their vehicle. Whether they’re cursing their vehicle for a mechanical problem, jerking the gears with too much strength, or abusing the car’s power and acceleration, we didn’t like how Toyota’s vehicles were being treated. In an attempt to preserve the beauty and well-being of our brand’s vehicles, we decided to implement the new Emotional Feeling technology.”
The unit’s accompanying features favor the brand’s vehicles… even though they might not necessarily be in the driver’s best interest. For starters, the brand’s vehicles will refuse to operate if the operator is not treating the car nicely. In other words, you can expect your Toyota to ignore you if you’re excessively swearing or yelling, even if it’s not directed at the actual vehicle.
“Humans don’t like being yelled at, so I guess it makes sense that my vehicle doesn’t want to be yelled at, either,” said professional cheeseburger eater Hugh J’Mouth. “I didn’t expect the entire vehicle to shut down when I was yelling at the asshole in front of me, but I get it.”
The vehicle also requests that drivers aren’t rough with any of the interior amenities. For instance, if a driver slams on the gas pedal once they’ve finally gotten around a slow driver, the vehicle will request that the operator is more gentle. The same goes for the steering wheel, gear shifts, and even the radio knob. Ultimately, the vehicle will maintain it’s current speed or direction until the operator decides to change their attitude.
In the event that a driver is driving erratically, using too many cruse words, or isn’t treating the interior amenities with enough care, a voice-activated prompt will come over the vehicle’s speakers. Voiced by renowned Hollywood legend Betty White, the voice is intended to soothe the driver and get them into a more positive frame of mind. With quips like “you’re doing great, sweetheart” and “I’m old and perky, you should be nicer,” there’s no denying that drivers’ attitudes will change relatively quickly.
Of course, this leads to its fair share of accompanying issues for drivers. Toyota commissioned a number of reckless drivers to test their new automotive function. Many of them complained of the vehicle’s lack of performance when they were acting a bit “reckless.” One user claimed that his vehicle continued rolling right over a curb, while another driver accidentally plowed into the vehicle in front of them after having uttered a curse word. These issues continued after these individuals found themselves in these predicaments, as the Toyota trucks refused to activate the automatic crash response unit until the driver asked nicely.
Predictably, some customers aren’t too happy with this new function. Will B. Walken was critical of the feature, claiming he’s allowed to berate his vehicle if we wants.
“This is fucking bullshit,” he said. “My piece of shit car never works, and if it doesn’t, I should be allowed to say whatever the hell I want to it.”
On the other side, some have embraced the change. Daffodil Montgomery, the pastor’s wife at a church in Detroit, is in favor of the move.
“This is bloody brilliant,” she said before excusing her language. “This is one of the most clever inclusions I’ve ever seen put in a vehicle. Of course I’m in favor of treating cars similar to how we treat any other living thing or object. However, I’m also in favor of this technology promoting the use of positive language over crude language.”
Chevy’s decision certainly didn’t come out of nowhere. The brand has been especially wary of driver behavior for some time, especially after the recent lawsuit in Cleveland. A young mother used the company, claiming that a Toyota driver’s questionable actions were inspired by some of the individual’s aging car’s inadequacies. The mother claimed that the driver’s excessive swearing and erratic driving traumatized her five young children, and she’s been forced to pay for therapy even since. Ultimately, the brand compromised with the woman, promising to institute their new Emotional Feeling function as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, the driver in question, Mexico native Speedy Steerer, was charged with disturbing the peace, operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol, and illegal firearm possession.
“My client is being punished because his aging car is starting to die,” said former homeless animal attorney Hugh Janus. “These charges make zero sense. If anyone should be held liable, it’s Toyota.”