Throughout August, Americans raced to their favorite convenience and package stores, to secure their chance to win (what would become) a record-setting $758.7 million Powerball drawing. The winner would be a resident of Chicopee MA, who beat odds of 292.2 million to one, to become the sole winner of the life-changing jackpot.

The morning after the drawing would bring an influx of commentary. A wealth of interviews and articles from financial advisers, accountants, lawyers and even previous jackpot winners would offer limitless (and sometimes contradictory) advice to the then-unnamed winner. Recommending prudence, arguing the pros and cons of lump sum versus annuity payments, and warning the dangers posed by leeching family and friends, the aftermath took on a distrustful, almost conspiratorial feel.

But in 2017, an overwhelming sense of negativity is par for the course. We live in a world where it doesn’t matter what side of an argument you’re on…you’re clearly wrong. And it gets old when your social media feeds are constantly weighed down with warring opinions on everything from the events of the current Presidency to the shortness of ‘Game of Thrones’ season seven.

And that was the upside to the Powerball drawing: social media. It allowed people to share optimistic dreams of what they would do, if they were fortunate enough to win the jackpot. Because when you’re talking about that kind of money, no-one is debating whether they’d buy the 2018 Toyota Corolla vs 2017 Chevy Cruze. No, their aspirations are far more lofty.

And I’m not talking about the people whose first step is to pay off their bills. Or the lame-asses who decide their main priority is to set aside for their children’s education and future. I’m not even talking about the blowhards who preach of charity and beneficence. Even after taxes, a $758.7 million payout equates to $308 million for the lump sum option, or $17.5 million per year for 29 years for the annuity. You can do all of that shit I mentioned above. Hell, you should do all that shit I mentioned above. But you need to think bigger. Check your…


Bucket List

Sure, we all have a bucket list. But do you realize that the average cost of completing a bucket list (in its entirety) would be less than $13,000. Seriously? You’re telling me that the entire list of things people would want to do, in order to die fulfilled, could be achieved for so little? I mean, that’s less than the cost of a Toyota Corolla or a Chevy Cruz (a comparison which I did not expect to come full-circle like that!)

Do they realize that they could (i) pay off every expense (ii) provide for everyone they love (iii) give to charity and (iv) check every box on their bucket list with the first annuity payment, and still have cash to spare? Even if they bought a new home, new cars and travel around the world they still haven’t maxed out that first pay-off (unless of course, they acquire a scorching cocaine addiction).

Now, I’m not advocating that a lottery payment should make you a cavalier and wasteful asshole. I’m not saying that you should pay to be forced inside a live shark, just so that you can cut your way out of it, walk out of the ocean with it over your head and (while covered in its guts) throw it down onto a public beach and yell out, “Who’s Next?!” But if you have cash to burn, no-one’s going to bury that money with you, so why not enjoy it? This, is why you need a…


F*ck-It List

This list of experiences should be crafted with the understanding that some of those experiences might require undisclosed amounts of cash to change hands. Sure, money can’t buy you happiness, but I think you’ll find that most everything has a price tag, and that most everyone can become a motivated seller.

So, whether you’re the lucky winner of this particular drawing, or simply dreaming dreams, I’d like to help get you in the right frame of mind. Below are my Top 5, beginning with:


#5 Kirk Cameron vs. A Sloth

Hear me out. This is the type of slow-burn investment which yields maximum long-term payout. Why? Because it’s a fight to the death, between a condescending former teen-star, devout in their own moralist values, and a wild animal who moves at a very slow speed. With proper incentive, both could be forced to kill…but how long will it take?


#4 AXL is my Hype-Man

Basically, this consists of me hiring Axl Rose to follow me around, punctuating every statement that I make by yelling either (i) KUH! (ii) YOWZA! (iii) BITCH! or (iv) breaking in a long, drawn out vocalized whine. I would also use Axl as a connection when forming…


#3 Cookstock

Reunite as many 1980’s hair bands as possible, to play a personal concert in my yard. Yup. The whole thing would culminate in what I call ‘The White-out’ with Whitesnake, White Lion and Great White facing-off song-for-song until either Kirk Cameron or the sloth are dead.


#2 Okay, fine…

The whole ‘cut-your-way-out-of-a-live-shark’ is totally on my fuck-it list. Second-only to…


#1 Post-Apocalyptic Deity

Lack of planning for your eventual death is just plain irresponsible. Whether securing life insurance or pre-arranging your funeral, your loved ones will be less-burdened in the wake of your passing. This is why I intend to be bronzed. Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘You’re rich. Why not gold?’ Listen. I’m not trying to challenge any actual gods (should they exist) I just want to be coated in shiny metal and left out in the middle of protected forest-land. Why? Because there WILL be an apocalypse. Maybe not tomorrow, next year or in your lifetime. But when everything turns to shit, wouldn’t you want future-kind to find your remains and deduce that you were worshiped as a god?

After all, it’s only money.

So, what’s on YOUR F*ck-It List?


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