It’s a story as old as time.
John Q. American is looking through used cars trying to find the perfect vehicle. Maybe it’s for his own use. Perhaps it’s a second vehicle for the household. It might even be for his licensed child.The first step is finding that diamond in the rough, the proverbial ‘needle-in-the-haystack’ that will bring happiness out on the open road.
But then come the lies. Whether buying through a dealership or private sale, it can be difficult to establish the facts of a pre-owned vehicle’s history.
This is why Craig’s List is so refreshing. Not only is there a more varied selection than you can expect to find at a dealership, but you know exactly what you’re getting into. Truth in advertising (what a concept!)
Face it, muchacho. You and ten friends wouldn’t have enough fingers to count the number of times you’d score because of this panty-dropper (and that’s just on the way home from picking it up). Rumor has it that, ever since this car’s existence went public, female scientists worldwide remain baffled, unable to develop a defense against the raw, unfiltered sex appeal of its 1985 Subaru GL front end. Well, cool your jets lady brains, because human science may never advance to that point and mother nature’s taking over. You need a little help grabbing your ankles? Consider the raw power of a 1973 Volkswagen Beetle. Oh, you noticed the part about two working engines, one in front, one in back? Yeah, that’s right. We’re talking 8 cylinders (possibly). Knock, Knock. Who’s There? Sploosh.
First, understand one thing…the seller doesn’t need your help.
That’s right, don’t think that you’re coming along and doing him any favors by handing him cash for this City Commuta Car. If anything get ready to get the f*ck in line. This might take a while. Seriously, who wouldn’t want this City Commuta Car? Speed comparable to an electric golf cart? Perfect for in-town commutes? For the love of God, stop! I’m already reaching for my wallet!
Ask anyone with a minimum of one drawer full of cargo shorts, camo is all the rage. It really doesn’t matter why. Perhaps it’s the appeal resulting from the inherent military connotation? Or maybe its the temptation of sheer power that results from invisibility? All I know is this. If your man doesn’t wear camo, you’re dating a woman. And if your woman doesn’t wear camo, you’re dating a deer. So, if you’re going to sell me a car so effectively camouflaged that it’s able to achieve actual invisibility, well sire…I am powerless to stop you. Just take my money. Take it all.
Do you find yourself torn between driving around inside of (i) Miss Piggy, or (ii) a giant mutated phallus? Well, today is your lucky day, because you can have them both, all rolled into one. Don’t let the pink fool you. This ride aint for pussies. But you know what is for pussies? Four wheels. Yup. Only three wheels on this #sexyAF ’27 Dodge custom. And just when you think you can’t be any more sold on its magnificence (BOOM!) Pink Dick’s powered by a 4-cylinder from a Geo Metro. Catch your breath. We’ll wait.
Simply put, some vehicles are beasts. Others appear to be some sort of actual beast that has managed to claw its way out of the foulest pits of hell, or through some sort of interdimensional rift. I’m not sure if it’s scientifically possible for Optimus Prime to copulate with the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba but if so, this would be the outcome. Half ‘Herbie the Love Bug’ and half ‘Crash Bandicoot on Meth’, this converted 2006 Ford Econoline has a little something for everyone (especially if you’re a ‘Furry’). But before you go running to grab the wallet, you might want to grab your black light and give this beast a quick scan. Something tells me that all kinds of naked parts have been in contact with this furry wonderland. From the windows…to the walls…
Let’s play a game that I like to call, “What’s More Disturbing?”
I’ll give you 5 different scenarios to choose from and you need to decide which one is the most disturbing one? Ready to play? Okay, let’s go.
- Someone is selling a ’70’s Chrysler mobile home, previously used as a mobile brothel.
- Someone is doing so, but only after being unable to reopen it as a mobile brothel which he had planned to operate in partnership with his mother.
- That the permit to run the mobile brothel had been declined, due to ‘massive crab infestation and mold issues’.
- That the mobile brothel may, or may not have been the same mobile brothel in which the seller had been conceived by his (as we understand it) whore mother, or
- That this may very well be a fake ad, concocted within one person’s sick and twisted mind.
Here at The Lemon, we appreciate this sort of compelling content. So, while you sit there and figure out which part of this ad is most disturbing, we’re going to track this seller down and offer them a job. Unless, of course, it turns out to be a legit ad, and then…(shudder)
Craig’s List for the Win!
Maybe it’s premature to say, but I might only buy used cars from Craig’s List from this point on, based solely on the unique selection. After all, I’m not too good to drive around in a crab-infested mobile brothel (and I’ll be damned if I let my kids think that they are!)