The World Jenga Federation is struggling financially, and these woes are now beginning to influence the league’s upcoming All Star Game.
In previous years, the WJF awarded the MVP of their midseason classic with prizes like a Porsche, an airplane, puppies, and a private island. However, with the league hemorrhaging money, they were forced to resort to free prizes for this year’s Most Valuable Player. Whoever takes home the honor during this year’s All Star Game will be awarded with a new 2017 Ford Focus. This news hasn’t been taken well by several of the WJF’s stars.
Some of the participants said that they’d prefer to win the second- or third-place prize, while others were influenced to skip the event altogether. One former MVP debated the 2017 Honda Civic vs 2017 Ford Focus, noting that she’d prefer the former option. Even the league’s commissioner was seemingly regretting the decision.
“We’re, um, excited to announce that the World Jenga Federation is teaming up with Ford for this year’s All-Star Game,” said commissioner Rob Schneider (of SNL fame). “The MVP of our mid-season classic will go home with a 2017 Ford Focus, which is a major stepping… who am I kidding. Our league is doomed, and besides the Slurpee machine from league sponsor 7-11, Ford was the only league partner to offer any type of free prize to our winner.
“I don’t like the car,” Schneider continued. “Hell, I don’t even know what the car looks like. Why am I even here? Was Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo so bad that I was financially influenced to become the commissioner of a damn Jenga league? Was Adam Sandler really that much more talented that he deserved to have a net worth that is 20 times more than mine?”
The 2017 Ford Focus has an MSRP of $16,775, which is a hefty payday for an All-Star Game MVP. However, some participants acknowledged that they’d happily accept a less inexpensive (and more enticing) prize.
“Honestly, a horse only costs a couple thousand dollars, and I’d much rather have a horse,” said Chinese rookie sensation Jen Ga. “I’m admittedly a bit of an equine fanatic, but I know for a fact that I’d be more comfortable on a horse than behind the wheel of a Ford Focus.”
One of the league’s stars even went as far as to say she’d prefer one of the Ford Focus’ main rivals.
“If I had to choose between the 2017 Honda Civic vs the 2017 Ford Focus, I’d definitely choose the Civic,” said former MVP Paula Block as she put on her Honda hat and pulled a script out of her pocket. “I mean, there’s nothing not to like about Honda’s vehicles, especially the 2017 Civic. That powerful 1.5-liter turbocharged engine provides me with more than enough power, and the luxury amenities makes for one of the most comfortable driving experiences in the industry.”
Block then pulled a bottle of Coca Cola out of her bag and began saying “[i]f I had to choose between Coke vs Pepsi, I’d definitely choose the Coke…” That was when journalists walked away from the rambling star.
Fan votes will determine the MVP of the Jenga All-Star Game, mostly because league organizers have no idea how you’d determine the MVP of a board game that involves pulling blocks of wood. The second-place finisher will receive 10 12-packs of Surge soda, while the third-place finisher will receive five cases.
“Oh shit,” said diabetic veteran/want-to-be musician Kid Block. “I love me some Surge. That sweet nectar used to get me through those minor league Jenga days. I’m only going to exert 95-percent energy this weekend so I finish second in MVP voting, not first.”
These aren’t the only prizes that will be given away during the All Star weekend. Every fan in attendance will receive a coupon for a Buy One-Get One Free Roast Beef Slider from Arby’s (there are already reports that several participants may opt out of the All-Star Game to take advantage of this deal). The first 100 fans in attendance will also receive a replica Jenga block.
When asked if the revised “grand prize” would influence his willingness to participate in the All-Star Game, strep throat-suffering superstar Paul Slow nodded his head “yes.” When asked if he’d drive a Ford Focus, Slow shook his head “no.” When asked if he could ever envision himself driving a 2017 Ford Focus, Slow let out a boisterous laugh that lasted approximately 30 seconds. At that time, Slow began a severe coughing fit, and he was quickly ushered away by doctors.
With Ford offering so many variants of their 2017 Focus, there’s no saying what variation they’ll present to their All-Star Game MVP. The available options include:
- 2017 Focus S Sedan
- 2017 Focus SE Sedan
- 2017 Focus SE Hatch
- 2017 Focus SEL Sedan
- 2017 Focus SEL Hatch
- 2017 Focus Titanium Sedan
- 2017 Focus Titanium Hatch
- 2017 Focus ST
- 2017 Focus Electric
- 2017 Focus RS
Instead of presenting the vehicle in the middle of the playing arena, the MVP will be ushered out to a parking lot behind the building following the conclusion of the event. The All-Star Game star will be forced to pose for photos in front of the car before they inevitably run away and leave the premises in their actual vehicle.
Perhaps the MVP of the All-Star game will follow Tom Brady’s lead and give the prize to a more-deserving individual. Following his Super Bowl MVP honors in 2015, Brady gave away his Chevy truck to unsung hero Malcolm Butler. However, in this scenario, Brady was awarding Butler for his heroic, game-saving interception. In the WJF scenario, the winner will simply be looking to rid himself of the 2017 Ford Focus before he’s responsible for paying any applicable taxes or fees.
With the pace-of-play argument clouding the sport, it appears that the 2017 Ford Focus may actually be the factor that leads to the demise of the World Jenga Federation.