When I was asked to write a comparison piece exploring the differences between the 2017 Honda CR-V vs the 2017 Ford Edge, it was like being asked if I’d rather lick a cow’s ass or massage my dad’s butt. For the benefit of anyone who’s not really sure, rest assured that I’d rather not do either of those things.

Full disclosure, I’m not really in a rush to extoll the virtues of these vehicles, simply because I can’t picture myself driving either one. Some might argue that my indifference makes me ideal to write an unbiased comparison piece. While that might be true, I’d rather apply my lack of bias to an unfiltered look at each vehicle. With that in mind, here is an honest comparison of the 2017 Honda CR-V vs. the 2017 Ford Edge, based on the most technical of criteria.



And by “presentation,” I mean looking at the manufacturers’ websites.

Congratulations Honda, your website ‘moves and shit.’ You have time-lapse traffic, animated tunnels, and falling snowflakes. It’s like watching The Matrix of car web pages, with its panoramic sweeps and virtual touring. Don’t get too cocky though, the Matrix was made in 1999. Still, Honda wins…mostly because Ford.com doesn’t give you shit (aside from zooming-in when you hover over a picture). Way to stretch those marketing dollars, Ford VP of Digital Marketing. Letting your 9-year nephew design the website just lost you the first round. (1:0 Honda)



If you’ve narrowed down your buying options to the Honda CR-V or the Ford Edge, your search has most-likely been motivated by (i) the need for a safe, family-friendly vehicle or (ii) a strong likelihood that you’ve always been a lame-ass. To your credit, you probably weren’t the idiot who pointed out to the teacher that they forgot to assign homework, but you probably dropped out of the 7th grade cross-country track team because of “the pressure.”

So, when comparing the price tags of both vehicles, it’s important to do so against a valid benchmark. In this case, let’s use the Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat. Sure, you’d never buy one because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle, but I sure as hell would. And if I’m going to pick one of these breadbox-box on wheels, it’s going to be based on how much money I’d still have to put towards my Hellcat.

A fully-loaded CR-V Touring will start at around $33,795 before you add any premium packages.  A top of-the-line Edge comes in significantly higher, starting at $40,400. You might be asking yourself, “But what kind of features does each have?” Funny, I was just asking myself, “Why are these people relying on nonsensical internet blog-comparisons to make an informed choice?” Hey. I get it. If eHarmony was so successful in introducing you to your spouse, why shouldn’t you buy an SUV based on my input. That said, this round also goes to Honda. Sure, buying a CR-V might lead to a case of “whiskey johnson,” but that’s temporary, and $6,000 towards a Hellcat is forever. (2:0 Honda)


Exterior Design

More specifically, to what extent does either look like a child-sized 4-inch Subway sandwich. No, I’m serious. When I look at either vehicle, my first impression is how the overall dimensions of both make them look disproportionately short and wide.

Do you have kids? Have you ever taken them to Subway? If you have you may understand what I’m talking about. Much to my disappointment, my daughter’s favorite place to eat was always Subway. Don’t get me wrong, I never had any real objections to inhaling a $5 footlong, chips, a drink, and three cookies; but for what you get, Subway is ridiculously overpriced. That said, there were many times when I would sit there, fixated on the bizarre dimensions of her Kids’ Meal sandwich. 12-inches makes sense. 6-inches makes sense. But 4-inches?

What happened to presentation, and a dining experience that is pleasing to the eye? Maybe I’m asking too much of Subway, who seems content to feed children the visual equivalent of a bar of soap. Lucky for them, Honda and Ford are content to offer adults the same options in an SUV. But since I’m obligated to compare the vehicles, I’ll give this one to Honda, since the CR-V looks slightly less like the block of wood that Cub Scouts carve a Pinewood Derby car out of. (3:0 Honda)



Okay…if you want to research the actual infotainment features for each, just do me a favor and visit the websites mentioned above. But if you’ve continued reading this well thought-out and introspective piece of journalism, you might wondering what type of music you should play in either vehicle.

And it’s a great question (one that I’ve given a lot of thought to, actually). I’m guessing that a Honda-CRV owner might have some adventures behind them. You know the type: former high-school band geek (and 7th grade CC dropout) that came out of their shell junior year in college and had a few wild nights resulting in a Cuervo-soaked walk of shame, or two. This type of driver likes an illusion of naughtiness, which means that their playlists have a disappointing amount of Nickelback. *shudder*

The Edge driver shares many of the same characteristics, but “is not much of a drinker.” I’m guessing they listen to a lot of Maroon 5 because, “They’re really talented. They went to Berkeley School of Music.” Ugh. Band geeks.

So this one’s a draw, which means that Honda beats Ford 3:0 overall.


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