2019 Buick Enclave: Official Vehicle of Pre-Menopausal Consumer B*tches From Hell

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Judging by the Chevy lineup alone, General Motors is keen to make their expansive awards known to the car-buying community-at-large. And yet, some divisions go largely uncelebrated. Take Buick, for example, which seems almost completely forgotten by a majority of Millennial, Gen-Y and Z car-buyers. But building upon the momentum of a recent award, Buick hopes to reinvigorate their appeal (at least in the 40+ Caucasian Female demographic). The recipient of said award? The 2019 Buick Enclave…but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. In fact, let’s talk about memes…

By this point in 2018, meme culture has become immersive enough to appreciate “the haircut”. We all know “the haircut,” be it from exposure to online content or real-world experience. Some of us have been on the receiving end of “the haircut”. Some have even been married to “the haircut”. And yes, some of you reading this may have sported “the haircut” yourself. Its presence heralds one thing and one thing only…the demand made by a dissatisfied customer to “speak to the manager”.

Classified by experts as the CISTTM (Can I Speak To The Manager) Banshees, this group of upper-middle class caucasian females are the epicenter of a well-established phenomenon which effects tens of thousands of retail, food service or hospitality workers. Always dissatisfied. Always speaking in fake niceties until the rage of 1,000 fallen angels are released from their hellfire cage by the powers of entitlement to inflict a stabbing pain upon the adversary they face down. No matter how courteous the service is. No matter how satisfying the meal was. No matter how out-of-date her coupon is, or how badly she has misinterpreted the terms of the sale…the CISTTM is coming to leave you soulless, battered and bruised.

Some say the hairstyle’s popularity was inspired by former reality star Kate Gosselin. Urban legends suggest it was an attempt for struggling moms to create a functional, low-maintenance hairstyle that was still fun. Cave drawings in Southern New Mexico suggest the severe styling was an ancient joke perpetrated by Mixcoatl, the Aztec Cloud Serpent. But whatever it is, it was “all the rage” for the early 2000’s, until fashion trends evolved to support more flattering looks. However, a rogue faction of fanatics have retained the style (or a variation of it) to this day, furthering the influence of the CISTTM on modern culture.

Enter the Buick Enclave, a fairly nondescript SUV with no defining characteristics of its own. Devoid of any distinctive features, it serves as the perfect ‘blank slate’ for the CISTTM. Plenty of cargo space to accommodate their resentment and privileged entitlement, and a reputation of dependability, ensuring that they can reach their intended destination to chew out unsuspecting retail clerks and waitstaff. And with multi-zone climate control, the Buick Enclave guarantees a cool environment to counter the impending number of hot flashes they can expect in the days, months, and years to come. Maybe we’re talking about menopause, maybe we’re talking about the fires of hell itself. Either way, watch out. The 2019 Buick Enclave and the demonic expectations of its soulless fan base are coming for you, and they want to speak to the manager.


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