What’s Cincinnati like? Meh.
With all due respect to the city’s population, anyone who has visited the Queen City would answer the question the same way. In fact, it’s a well-established fact that any reply indicating general indifference is appropriate when discussing most staples of Cincinnati culture.
Think the Bengals are going all the way? Meh.
How that Goetta taste? Meh.
Overlooked for countless reasons as a destination for most Americans, Cincinnati is best known as the home of the (meh) Reds, (meh) chili that isn’t really chili and for being the city that once elected Jerry Springer as its mayor. What, no “meh?” Sure, that’s enough to get anyone’s attention. But not unlike the 14-year old trailer park drug-dealer who impregnated his clinically obese amputee stepmother, Cincinnati finds itself thick in the proverbial beef.
“General” Ron Chalance was a one-star general in the KISS Army, living a hard-partying lifestyle consisting of equal parts ‘rock and roll all night’ and ‘parties every day.’
According to his distraught and long-suffering girlfriend Beth, it was not uncommon for Chalance to visit random cities as he followed the rock band KISS on tour. “I’m pretty used to those late night calls,” she shared sobbing, as she broke into an impersonation of such a call. “Beth, I know you’re lonely, but I can’t come home right now…”
“But this time was different. Apparently he was stranded without a vehicle, unable to get to the next show in Cleveland. You see, he doesn’t like to fly.”
After confirming through the Registry of Motor Vehicles that a 1991 GMC Cyclone had been registered to Chalance for over 25 years, Beth’s story checked out. “He called it ‘Deuce’ and it had been dying a slow death for quite some time. So, I wasn’t overly surprised to hear it finally went the way of [deceased KISS drummer] Eric Carr. Knowing that he’d want to buy a replacement, as opposed to renting one, I suggested that he go online and search “trucks for sale.”
And by all accounts, that’s exactly what Chalance did. Unfortunately, there were two things that he was unaware of. First, that the search engine results would be tailored to reflect his geography. Second, that he was…in Cincinnati.
“First. he sounded confused,” Beth recounts. “Then, he sounded sort of…I don’t know…meh.”
Meh, indeed. And while his tone raised no ‘Red Flags’ in Beth’s mind, the Coroner’s Report would indicate that Chalance was dead within 17 minutes. The cause of death?
Death By Indifference
The statistics on ‘Death by Indifference’ are interesting, to say the least. And the most prevalent theory as to root cause should be alarming to anyone; especially those who travel on business. Although refuted by most of the medical community, there is a surprising amount of evidence that the human body has a direct physical response to…Cincinnati.
We spoke to Dr. Bo Fuss, team physician for the Pittsburgh Steelers and author of, ‘Cincinnati MEH’ a best-seller among the (predominantly illiterate) greater Pittsburgh-area.
“The Cincinnati MEH is real,” he shared. “While the greater population of Cincinnati is immune to the condition, it is the leading killer of anyone who finds themselves in Cincinnati. The cause of death is pure indifference, meaning that the chief exports of the so-called Queen City are (one) boredom, (two) death from boredom, and (three) the inability to win most types of divisional or league championships.”
Dr. Fuss then added, “Go Steelers.”
But then…
In a shocking twist of events, investigators have learned that “General” Ron Chalance was never even in Cincinnati, nor had he even been there.
Chalance’s body was found in his own living room, in Bethesda, MD, of all places. So why, did his online search for trucks specify Cincinnati? While the details of the ongoing investigation are still unfolding, there is heavy speculation that his ‘death by indifference’ was the combined result of two key factors.
According to Detective Emma Knight-Shamalan, the Bethesda Police Department have confirmed that Ron Chalance used T-Mobile as his cellular phone service provider. “That’s a first strike for anyone,” shared Knight-Shamalan. “And it’s very likely that his GPS / Location settings were incorrect, as a result.”
The Police Detective also shared that review of Chalance’s browser history had indicated that his Internet Search Engine of choice was BING. “Obviously we need to wait until all evidence has been processed, but let’s be honest…between T-Mobile and BING, the odds were stacked against him. It’s really no wonder that he thought he was in Cincinnati.”
The implication is a damning one. Despite knowing that he was in Bethesda, MD, could Chalance have suddenly believed himself to be in Cincinnati as a result of faulty search engine results? And could his misconception have led to his demise?
Dr. Fuss validates the assertion sharing his theory that the condition doesn’t simply affect those visiting the city. “In fact, we believe that death can even result from saying the word Cincinnati,’ or by simply acknowledging the city’s existence.”
“Studies show that thinking about Cincinnati creates an instant ennui. The city is so completely uninteresting that the mere thought of it will slow down one’s bodily functions, inducing an intense physical, mental, and emotional depression. This can quickly reach coma-like levels, and it is hardly uncommon for people to die of indifference.”
So, who is responsible for the death of “General” Ron Chalance? Is nature or chance to blame? Should the world turn a blind-eye to Cincinnati? Should people with T-Mobile think about switching?
With nowhere else to turn, we turned to BING. After being unable to find any search results of merit, we contacted them directly, speaking to their staff of junior high interns. When asked if they felt any responsibility for a man’s death, they simply said…
“Meh”
