If you’re one of my usual readers, then you know one thing for certain: our world is headed apocalyptically toward becoming a hellish wasteland of violence and decay. Even if you’re not one of my readers, you probably know this simply by existing and looking around at what’s going on across this lovely planet of ours. So, I couldn’t help but wonder: regarding the 2021 GMC Terrain vs. 2021 Honda CR-V, which model would be a better choice for the horrifying future that awaits us.
For a number of reasons, I don’t consider myself expert enough in catastrophe and apocalypse to figure this out on my own, so I turned to an old friend and colleague. A woman named “Britannica Skulldriver,” one of the great warlords who has already risen to power in these uncertain times. You might not know her name just yet, but you certainly will when she and her horde descend upon the frail remains of civilization to pick its bones clean. Until then, however, she was kind enough to answer some questions for me and point me toward the winning choice for (as far as I know) warlords everywhere.
Who is Britannica Skulldriver?
Before I crack open the turgid carapace of this subject matter and get to the steaming meat within, I should probably address a question you have, no doubt, asked aloud by now. Just who, exactly, is Britannica Skulldriver? And why should I care what she has to say?
The woman now known as Britannica Skulldriver was, in fact, born Angela Marinopolis sometime around 1982 in, according to one conversation we had, “the ass-end of America.” I’m not entirely sure where that is, but one internet search turned up “Detroit” as the response, so we’ll go with that. (Further internet searches involving “ass-end” and “America” yielded results too salacious to discuss here – email me!)
Ms. Marinopolis was a colleague of mine at the first car magazine I wrote for, an old print publication called American AutoScope, which I’m sure you remember from the early-late 90s. If you weren’t born at that time, then go the hell away and stop making me feel old. And if you were around but you don’t remember American AutoScope, then just go the hell away on general principle.
She was a talented writer with a remarkable eye for a good story and a knack for framing the seemingly dry subject matter in a way that made it not only accessible but far more interesting than it had any right to be. I realized quite quickly that she was a far more talented writer than I am, and as such, made it my mission to destroy her in a very real way. Unfortunately for me, she was also significantly smarter than me and deftly avoided all such attempts at destruction. Fortunately for me, her time covering the American auto industry, with its ties to politics and the corruption of modern Capitalism, did the job for me and her mental decline was predictably sharp, severe, and irreversible.
Sometime in about 2007 or 2009, she took up residence in an old auto wrecking yard outside [Name Redacted] and began building her stronghold. Her writing had earned her a bit of a cult following, and her followers flocked to her compound, where they simply became a cult. I’m not sure when she began performing chemical lobotomies on her worshippers or when they started building their obscene vehicles out of old wrecks, but the rest is (relatively) history. In the last few years, she has established herself – now as “Britannica Skulldriver” – as one of the top three or four warlords in the country.
Last I heard, she ruled most of northern [Name Redacted] and has her sights set on [Name Redacted], which – as I’m sure you know – includes the citadel of Emperor Porpus the Flatulent. The coming battle should certainly be legendary. But she took some time from her busy schedule to speak with me and give me her insights on these two vehicles.
What does a Warlord look for in a Crossover SUV?
This was my first question to her, and her answer was so filled with obscenities and vulgarity that discerning any real meaning from it was a fruitless endeavor. I tried again and, on a further, more pointed attempt was able to get somewhat more useful information from her. She had the following to say about these categories:
The Engine – “It needs to have some power, but it can always be tuned up. Hybrids and EVs are for [censored]; you need something with some fire in it.”
Inside – “You want space. Space enough for the bodies and the meat that your boys and girls gather for you. And space for the orgies.” (I can’t entirely disagree with that)
Outside – “Doesn’t matter, we’re going to chop and grind anyways. Best to have room for spikes and blades. But we can work with anything.”
Safety Features – “[censored]”
So, with that in mind, here is what she had to say about these two vehicles.
The 2021 GMC Terrain
“Small on the inside, but good and big outside. Plenty of space for my boys to add choppers, and it looks like it could ram some damage. The engine could be nicer, but I like that it’s a turbo at least – we’ll pump nitrous into it and rip some open, which should give good power. Once we tear out those back seats, it will serve real horrorshow.”
The 2021 Honda CR-V
“More room inside, nice for bodies and meat. The same size mostly, so where’s that extra space? Looks okay, but too smooth. Worried even with blades, it won’t do enough damage and seems like it wants to have fun, not kill. The Turbo engine is good, but with so many hybrids, it’s disgusting. If my children showed up in a hybrid, I’d have to [censored] until they [censored] and we all [censored] a thousand times!”
The Winner: The GMC Terrain
I’m pretty sure that all of this means she picked the 2021 GMC Terrain as her vehicle of choice for ruling the wasteland. When I pressed her for a clear answer, she grew violent and belligerent, which was my cue to end the video call and move to a new state. That being said, she definitely seemed more excited about the potential for the Terrain to do some damage, especially with the right modifications.
I must admit that I personally find the Terrain a bit lackluster for ruling an apocalyptic hellscape. I’d probably prefer a full-size model, certainly something with a more powerful engine. But perhaps I lack her vision for modifying vehicles to make them into far more devastating weapons. It wouldn’t be the first time she was more creative than I am.
The Loser: Humanity
No matter how you look at it, things are pretty bleak these days. So if you’re interested in a new vehicle, my advice to you is to picture how it will hold up when everything starts falling apart. Can you see yourself outrunning cannibals in it and plowing through old roadblocks from when civilization still knew how to spell written words? If so, then you got yourself a winner!
Editor’s Note: We were hesitant to send this piece to publication due to the somewhat uncertain nature of the author’s source and her expertise. After checking Ms. Skulldriver’s profiles on social media and professional websites, however, we realized that she definitely knows her stuff. Also, she sent us the heart of a goat wrapped in barbed wire and encased in gelatin, so we’re pretty sure she’s into us. We’re going to send a wink to her online dating profile and hope for the best. Thank you.
