Sally McCreary can still hardly believe it. After years of hiding her afternoon “Mom Juice” in a Yeti rambler, she feels redeemed. “We finally feel heard. It’s a brave first step toward recognizing wine as the most important arrow in our parenting quivers.” These moms know that choosing between the 2021 Ford Explorer vs 2021 Kia Telluride doesn’t involve comparing safety ratings. It’s all about storage. Wine storage.
What happened in this sleepy Ohio bedroom community? Tensions mounted to Gaza Strip levels here as strung out Karens haunted residents, reciting municipal code to skateboarders and chastising dads for abandoning shopping carts in the parking lot instead of “doing the right thing, the moral thing” and safely pushing them into the cart return. Something was causing this deep anger and obnoxiousness, but what?
Local health officials were alarmed at the proliferation of puffy blonde pixies and tracksuits seen on the local mom population. After a months-long exhaustive study, they determined that these moms were suffering from an alarmingly deficient quantity of wine. A new DSM-5 mental health diagnosis – Acute Lackofwine Karentosis – seeks to define and treat a previously ‘diagnostically homeless’ population of moms with a constant low dose of $9.00 Rose.
The new law won’t be enacted until 2022, but a group of moms is already hard at work helping struggling moms on the brink keep their meds close at hand. It takes ingenuity to combat the pesky barriers to all-day wine consumption, like carpools, afternoon soccer games, and the disapproving glances of PTA Presidents. Until public day drinking shame is a thing of the past, it’s up to a few brave soldiers. Nicknamed the Buzzy Betties, to blaze a trail for strung out Karens everywhere.
On the condition of anonymity, these hero moms shared a few critical strategies for covertly integrating wine into daily life.
Wine at Home
On any given day, moms are met with resistance about openly consuming their wine, even in their own homes. Sometimes you need a mimosa with your Cheerios anyway, which is why moms everywhere are finding ways to integrate their habit into daily life under the radar, away from prying eyes. We call it hiding in plain sight.
First, playgroups are a perfect cover for daily happy hours. Get the babies together, stick them in a playpen and open the magnum of Korbel. If the crotch goblins get restless, turn on the Teletubbies or a vintage Wiggles DVD and crank up the volume, so their fussing doesn’t disrupt Anna’s detailed retelling of her torrid one night stand with the lacrosse coach at last month’s travel tournament. Priorities, ladies. Mental health first. Sip and repeat.
Breakfast drinkers will love this booze hack from a reformed Karen in Baltimore. Simply decant half a bottle of Prosecco (or a full one – we’re not judging!) into your daily morning blender smoothie in place of almond milk. Green smoothies are the perfect cover that will win you bonus praise for your healthy habits. You can even post a motivational selfie on Instagram with the caption “start your day with a dose of nutrition.”
Wine at Kid Events
Take advantage of the athleisure trend and give yourself an at-home boob job. Turn your rack into a set of Sauvignon Blanc sippy cups. Add up to 16 ounces of undetectable portable refreshment to a pair of deflated balloons. When you’re ready, slide the straw you stole from the team Capri Sun stash and sip away. Sure, the dads might wonder why your bust went bust, but you’ll be too buzzed to care.
Your trendy Kate Spade over-the-shoulder diaper bag also doubles as a take-anywhere wine cooler. Today’s diapers are extra absorbent, so skip the baby gear (the kid will be fine for a few hours!) and rig up your bag with a discreet spigot. All you need is an empty gallon water jug, an Exacto knife, and a little ingenuity. The solo cup is optional; just hide under the bleachers and squeeze a mouthful down your gullet. Simply perfect for maintaining your buzz.
If all else fails, designate a ubiquitous mom accessory as your travel wine home base. See if anyone notices that your reusable Starbucks Trenta iced coffee cup contains a mid-range varietal. Remember – rose and white wine are similar in color to the Starbucks iced tea lineup. If you’re a red gal, just tell them it’s hibiscus (fruit is fruit, after all). DD people are in luck: those opaque styrofoam cups last forever. Gas station Ginas rejoice: your trailer park Big Gulp holds an entire box of your favorite sauce.
Wine on the Fly
Your car is your haven. Forget the PSAs designed for true alcoholics: drunk driving is the behavior of scotch drinkers, not elegant carpooling mamas with a trendy wine-sipping practice. Your nails are done, for God’s sake! You’re not some alley bum with a flask. No, your flask is from Tiffany, not a pawn shop. You take a Class 1 Felony and make it Pinterest-worthy: it’s your superpower.
How best to conceal your perfectly chilled 2012 Kimmy C Sauvvy B? First, check the back seat. Odds are your little soccer player forgot his mini igloo cooler of water. It’s already chilled and ready, with a straw in the lid. Teach your future Pele some responsibility and refuse to deliver it; instead, find a shady parking spot at the park and sip while you listen to the latest Crime Junkies podcast. Treat the dehydration later. He’ll be fine.
Let’s not forget that booze comes in many forms. No one will blame you for having a stash of pretty pastel mommy gummies in the console. Edibles aren’t just for weed! There’s a reason handheld adult sweets like Jell-O shots are reemerging: they’re an ideal delivery mechanism for your rose. Just stash a few in your center console for an easy grab-and-go sedative that will give your afternoon errands a pleasant glow.
The biggest life hack is, work hard to effortlessly blend in with your Cabernet blend. It’s a matter of integrating your wine with the environment so you can sip without judgment. Don’t forget the breath mints! That way, you can still sit on your high horse and shame the less clever mom beginners who show up smelling like a wine barrel. You know the ones: uneven lipstick lines and back fat are dead giveaways.
When all else fails, work with what you have. You can easily hide a 16-ounce water bottle filled with Chardonnay into your ponytail – just google ‘boozy tail’ and follow a momfluencer’s step-by-step tutorial. Also – just sayin’ – your daughter’s dolly has a hollow plastic head. Desperate times, ladies! You can even put that turkey baster to work and inject a watermelon with Pinot Grigio. If you’re a snack mom, add a cooler of winermelon for the mamas. Odds are, you’ll be voted Team Mom next season.
Veteran mamas know that Capri Sun pouches are sugar-laden kid poison. Do your civic duty and make use of the vestiges of that Costco mega 48 pack of dust-ridden soldiers. Poke a hole, drain the offensive liquid and replace it with your favorite shelf-stable wine. Just a touch of duct tape, and you’ve set yourself up with a grab-and-go option right next to the Nature Valley peanut butter granola bars.
Don’t let society’s conventions stop you. Until reform happens on a global scale, it’s on you to use that mommy ingenuity and support each other. It’s the anti-Karen formula for community harmony. Put your best mom foot forward: stay buzzed, mamas.
