Friends, if you know nothing else about me, then you should know this: I care deeply about the world around us. I care about the environment, about the political landscape of this country, and the kind of challenges that we face as a society. And I care, very much, about the auto industry and just how well vehicles like the 2021 Chevy Blazer and 2021 Jeep Cherokee can manage the workload when you have a stable of dead hookers to dispose of (yes, “stable” is the preferred collective noun for a group of hookers, dead or alive).
So today, to help you out, I’m taking a look at these two midsize SUVs to see how they stack up when it’s time to stack them full of prostitutes who have shuffled off their mortal coils. Don’t worry, it’s all very scientific and based on research, not my own experiences from just about two weeks ago.
The Bateman Dead-Hooker Scale
If you’ve been with me for a while, oh reader o’ mine, then you probably know that when it comes to understanding the human-corpse capacity of a vehicle, I use the Bateman Dead-Hooker Scale (BDHS) as my baseline. I’d like to use the BDHS 2021 Standards (the 2020 standards were delayed due to “uncertain times”), but at the moment, they are sold out everywhere I’ve looked. My understanding is that the updated standards are really the best they’ve ever been, but unfortunately, I’m stuck with the 2012 Standards (3rd Revision), which shall have to suffice.
As you probably already know, determining the volume of a human body is not particularly difficult. To get the volume of something, simply divide its mass by its density; the average density of a human body is 8.3 lbs/gal. If we use the tables for an “Addict Female” on pages 134 and 135 of the BDHS 2012 Standards (3rd Revision), then we find an average weight of 142 lbs. Some quick math gives us an average of 17 gallons or 2.28 cu.ft. of volume for a dead hooker who has fallen into a cycle of drug abuse.
One note: yes, this volume doesn’t make sense for a person sitting in a vehicle. But we’re not worried about comfort here; this is about getting the most from our SUV. So we’re just looking at raw volume – I’m going to assume you have a power saw and a bathtub at your disposal to make this process as efficient as possible.
The 2021 Chevy Blazer
The Chevy Blazer is a two-row SUV, so the only numbers we really need to worry about are the volume for cargo in the rear and the overall cargo volume behind the front row. I’m going to assume you’ll want to leave the front passenger seat up to avoid suspicious glances. According to Chevy, the Blazer offers 30.5 cu.ft. of space behind the second row and 64.2 cu.ft. of total cargo volume behind the front seat.
So we get:
2021 Chevy Blazer
- 13.37 dead hookers behind the second row
- 28.15 dead hookers behind the front row
Those are impressive numbers for a midsize model. Now let’s see the Jeep.
The 2021 Jeep Cherokee
Fortunately, the 2021 Jeep Cherokee is also a two-row model, so this is a really easy comparison to make. Looking at the numbers from Jeep, however, I can already tell the Blazer is going to be our winner. The Cherokee has just 25.8 cu.ft. of cargo volume behind the second row of seats, with a total of 54.7 cu.ft. of cargo volume overall. This means that:
2021 Jeep Cherokee
- 11.31 dead hookers behind the second row
- 24 dead hookers behind the front row
Technically, it’s 23.99 behind the front row, but a little rounding seems fair. You can see, however, that you’re looking at two fewer prostitutes chopped up and loaded into the rear of the Jeep Cherokee and about four fewer ladies overall. That can be an important difference if you’ve got a long weekend coming up. Of course, if you were looking at male prostitutes, you’d get even fewer into these vehicles; either way, the Chevy Blazer is the clear winner and offers just really impressive space for torsos, legs, and everything else.
Editor’s Note: Due to outrage and complaints about this author’s last article regarding dead hooker conveyance, we promptly removed this posting when it went up. Not long after, we were visited by three spirits who convinced us of the error of our ways and reminded us of the true meaning of Father’s Day. As such, we have restored this article and will continue to support this brave writer’s endeavors. Thank you.